The ‘new’ normal (whatever that is) is code jargon for ‘something
in your life that changed and for which you just have to suck it up and get used
to’. This cliché kind of phrase has crept into the world of pathology too, and
even the recovery movement. So let’s answer some of those questions about ‘the
NEW normal.’
“Is ‘How Crappy I Feel’ my new normal?”
In other words, “Will I ever feel like my old self again?”
Let’s say your girlfriend was driving home late one night, off in
thought, and after a glass or two of wine. She was blasting her favorite song
on her ear buds. This condition left her not in her most focused self—tired,
distracted, a little buzzed, and drifting off to the groove of a good song,
when she didn’t even realize the slight bump her car made as she drove over the
railroad tracks. Since she had no reason to believe something that could really
hurt her was barreling down the tracks toward her, she didn’t even glance to
see the oncoming train. Once she realized too late that she was going to be
harmed—wide-eyed and gasping—she wondered what she could do to save herself.
The answer by then was, ‘nothing.’ In a nanosecond she went from being her old
self to being someone entirely new—she became a seriously injured person.
You too were run over by an oncoming train – one with a big ‘P’ on
its front. You too may have been tired, distracted, or out having a good time
when you encountered the train that was going to run over you, destroy the
framework of your life, and nearly fatally wound your soul.
The oncoming psychopath does not apply the brakes for anything on
the tracks of his life. Your mangled psyche, broken heart, and your sideswiped
joy are the natural conditions of having been run over by a runaway psychopath.
As your girlfriend lay at home recovering from having been in a
‘train wreck’—her broken bones held together with casts, her head bandaged from
a whiplash concussion, and being relegated to resting for the unforeseeable
future, she does not yet realize she is lucky to have escaped with the gift to
heal. Her family and friends, recognizing her extensive injuries, are not likely
to say to her, “Very shortly, this will be like it never happened. You’ll be
back to your old self in no time at all.” It’s easy to see the girl was
seriously injured and it was a gift from God she’s alive.
While psychological injuries are not as evident to the bystander’s
eye, they are notably experienced by the victim. You were hit by a train! You
were injured—emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually, financially,
and maybe even physically.
If someone has erroneously said to you, “Very shortly, this will be
like it never happened. You’ll be back to your old self in no time at all”… remember—other
survivors who have been hit by the same-train-different-tracks will tell you:
“No, it will not be like it never happened.
No, you will not be back to your old
self in no time at all.”
I don’t know if you want the truth or you want that girl’s story
whose name is Pollyanna. It is not that you will never heal. It’s that your
injuries were serious. You are in the critical care unit of the recovery
center. You WILL heal. But it will not be in ‘no time at all.’ If your
girlfriend didn’t rise up off the bed in a few days like Lazarus being raised
from the dead, you too should not expect that type of ‘miraculous’ healing.
Train wrecks mangle bodies, minds, and spirits. Give yourself the gift of
recognition that what you have been through is traumatic and life changing. And
that you need the time anyone who has been run over by a train would need in order
to heal.
The impatient family member who thinks you should be ‘over it’ by
now, was not run over by the train. The girlfriends that want you to go on a
cruise and meet someone new were not run over by the train. The psychopath
train that hit you that thinks you should be through the body-repair shop of
what he did to you—was not run over by a train his size.
The problem that exists is that your level of expectation is not
equal to your level of harm.
You are expecting to walk away limping but not seriously injured
from a psychopath. That doesn’t happen often—so infrequently, in fact, that I
don’t even know if I can give one example of that happening with the women I
have worked with for 25+ years.
Learning to live with the ‘new normal’ of aftermath symptoms is
really a self-nurturing act. It means you have taken the time to really assess
your damage and give yourself the things you need in order to heal—time, space,
therapy—whatever it takes. The ‘new normal’ following pathological love
relationships is called ‘aftermath damage.’ There is a cure for it. But the
first step in curing it is to say out loud, “I was run over by an oncoming
train. I was critically wounded.” Now, healing can begin.
(**If we can support you in your recovery
process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest
provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love
relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our
award-winning book, Women Who Love
Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone
sessions. See the website for more information.)
No comments:
Post a Comment