By Sandra L. Brown, MA
Last time I began to discuss
the reasons why women have a difficult time remembering the bad aspects of the
relationship. Women describe the sensation of only remembering the good times,
the good feelings, and being ‘fuzzy’ or sort of forgetting all the bad things he
has done when they think of him. This process seems to be triggered by an
emotional feeling (such as longing or loneliness) AND/OR by a memory of hearing
his voice, seeing an email, etc.
Last time we also discussed
how good and bad memories are stored in the brain differently. Good memories
are stored up front and are easily accessed. Bad memories are fragmented and
compartmentalized in the mind, and are, therefore, harder to access as one
complete memory. Think of, for instance, child abuse memories and how people so
often repress or forget these memories.
In this article we are going
to talk about ANOTHER reason why you only remember the good stuff of a bad
relationship. (This is covered in detail in the book, Women Who Love Psychopaths.)
The second reason is based on
our own biological hardwiring. We are wired with a pleasure base that is called
our Reward System. We associate pleasure with being rewarded or something good.
We are naturally attracted to pleasure. The pathological (at least in the
beginning) stimulates the pleasure base and we associate that with a
‘reward’—that is, we enjoy his presence. Pathologicals are also often
excessively dominant and strong in their presence, something we have gone on to
call ‘Command Presence’.
What we enjoyed in him is all
the good feelings + his strong dominant command presence. Being rewarded by his
presence AND experiencing the strength of that presence registers as
pleasure/reward.
Although he later goes on to
inflict pain, pleasure or good memories, as we saw last time, are stored
differently in the brain. Our brains tend to focus on one or the other and we
have a natural internal ‘default’ to lean towards remembering and responding to
our Reward System and pleasure.
On the other hand, memories
associated with punishment or pain are short-lived and stored differently in
the brain. They can be harder to access and ‘remember’. When you experience
pleasure with him (whether it’s attention, sex, or a good feeling) it
stimulates the reward pathway in the brain. This helps to facilitate
‘extinction’ of fear. Fear is extinguished when fear is hooked up with pleasant
thoughts, feelings, and experiences (such as the early ‘honeymoon phase’ of the
relationship). When fear + pleasant feelings are paired together, the negative
emotion of the fear gives way to the pleasant feelings and the fear goes away.
Your Reward System then
squelches your anxiety associated with repeating the same negative thing with
the pathological. The memories associated with the fear/anxiety/punishment are
quickly extinguished.
For most people, the
unconscious pursuit of reward/pleasure is more important than the avoidance of
punishment/pain. This is especially true if you were raised by pathological
parents and you became hyper-focused on reward/pleasure because you were
chronically in so much (emotional and/or physical) pain.
Given that our natural
hardwired state of being is tilted towards pleasure and our Reward System, it
makes sense why women have an easier time accessing the positive memories. Once
these positive memories become ‘intrusive’ and the only thing you can think
about now is the good feelings associated with the pathological, the positive
memories have stepped up the game to obsession, and,
oftentimes, a compulsion to be with him despite the punishment/pain associated
with him.
These two reasons why bad
memories are hard to access have helped us understand and develop intervention
based on the memory storage of bad memories and the reward/punishment system of
the brain.
If you struggle with the
continued issue of intrusive thoughts and feel ‘compelled’ to be with him or
pursue a destructive relationship, you are not alone. This is why understanding
his pathology, your response to it, and how to combat these overwhelming
sensations and thoughts are part of our retreat/psycho-educational program.
Remembering only the good can be treated!
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us
know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information
about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information).