This weekend marked the anniversary of the death of an
extraordinary visionary. Many of The Institute’s highly acclaimed
purposes, products, and processes came from what Joyce lived through, talked
about, and modeled for others.
Joyce, like other leaders, did not set out to do anything
extraordinary. She simply set out to heal after two back-to-back pathological
relationships. First a 25-year relationship with a narcissist, and then an
upgrade to a sociopath for 10 years, left Joyce in the typical emotional fetal
position that is common in the aftermath of pathological relationships.
She went through the normal stages of pathology recovery,
asking:
“What
just happened?”
“Did
I do that?”
“What’s
wrong with him?”
“Why
am I so obsessed with this?”
“What’s
wrong with me? Why am I attracted to men like that, and what does it say about
my life that I would end up in a relationship like that?”
Without the benefit of mental health therapy and with only
the support of a few close friends (who were quickly becoming weary of the
ongoing saga of ‘why her/why him, why he moved on quickly, and why he picked the
new woman’), Joyce managed to piece together not only a recovery, but some
profound insights that changed the quality of her life forever.
By then, at age 60, it would have been easy to say she would
not likely find love or heal. It would have been even easier to turn bitter,
get revenge, hyper focus on him and his latest antics, or just curl into a
fetal position and stay there. But remarkably, Joyce rose from the dirt she had
been ground down into. Like the symbol of the Rising Phoenix, she not only
rose, she dug out every particle of dirt that could be transformed from crusted
pain and milled it for life-changing insight.
She didn’t keep these golden gems to herself—she talked to
women about relationships wherever she was. Some of her approaches have
trickled down to help other therapists work with women leaving pathological
relationships.
Joyce believed women tended to drift sideways into
pathological relationships looking for fun and excitement, which actually
pointed at what that woman needed in her life that would prevent her from
taking just any old relationship.
“If
you aren’t living a big enough life that is as big as your heart, or as big as
your personality, or as big as your dreams, then any old psychopath will do.”
She poignantly asked herself, “What is or is not going on in my own life that I would end up with a
sociopath? Sure, I didn’t know he was one—he said all the right things…but what
could this possibly be pointing out to me about me, the condition of my own
life, and what needs to happen so I don’t choose like this again?”
16 years later she had answered her own questions.
In her 60’s she went to college for the first time and
became a short-term missionary. She started her life in the arts of painting,
sculpting, and pottery. She moved to a one room beach house so she could ‘make up
for lost time and play hard’. She drove a convertible Miata to feel the rush of
adrenaline she no longer had because the sociopath was gone. In her 70’s she took up belly dancing to
prove to herself she was still attractive, went to Paris to see handsome men so
she knew she could still flirt, and got a motorcycle so she always had
something hot to ride (!)—hey, I’m just quoting Joyce here. She became a
hospital chaplain to comfort the sick and fed the poor every week to give some
of that hyper-empathy away, lest it go to another psychopath. Then she sailed a
catamaran to the Bahamas to challenge her fear because she could not swim.
“A
relationship is the icing on the cake. It is NOT the cake. Don’t confuse the
necessity of living life to be the icing. Living life IS the cake. Anything
else, including relationships, is just the icing.”
The
Institute’s own Jennifer Young, who does phone coaching and our tele-support
group, had this to say about Joyce’s impact on her and the women she helps, “Joyce Brown carries a big impact on my work
with women. On her own she developed the innate ability to care for
herself. That care translated into real solutions for disengagement from
a pathological relationship. I believe the biggest, specific idea
that has come from Joyce is the idea of ‘Not
One More Minute’. I have shared this concept with many women who
instantly feel the ability to disengage... ‘not one more minute’ means, ‘I will
not allow you to take one more minute of my energy, my love, my care, my
compassion.’ It provides an end point... a point to say I’m done. This
change in thinking, that I stop it,
is crucial. It means, ‘I have come to know and understand that he will not
change, but I still can... and I will.’ So thank you, Joyce Brown, for
showing us the way to the end!”
At age 76, as she lay in a hospice bed only hours from death,
I told her I wanted to toast her life. She said “Crank this bed up!” She
fluffed her hair and with a glass of Jack Daniels in her hand, said, “I have had a great life. I lived, I learned
how to have a great life, and I was loved. Who could ask for more?”
Her life lived well is what has impacted thousands of women worldwide and is the
main thing women who attend our retreats come away with. Sadly, in this day and
age, living a great life seems to be an extraordinary accomplishment. Her lecture on ‘Get a Great Life’ is what
has spurred women on to not merely limp into recovery dragging their souls
behind them, but to burst into recovery and fill their lives to the rim with
all the things that their big personalities need in order to live fully.
Lifeless living is what causes many women to seek a
psychopath who’s so full of energy that it makes their own lives seem so
exciting and vibrant. Joyce said, “The
problem is pointing to the solution. I loved the energy of those men! But what was that energy, and why couldn’t I
have it another way? Was a psychopath the only way for me to feel life?”
Joyce learned that vibrancy comes from a life that is full
of the things that interest, motivate, support, and challenge HER. If she
wasn’t living a big enough,
interesting enough, motivational enough, supported enough, and challenged enough
life… she would drift again into the arms of pathology to fill that space.
One of our readers recently memorialized
Joyce on our Facebook page:
“Thank
you, dear lady, for your continued inspiration—a legacy you’ve left to many. You
never knew those who have come to love you [posthumously] for your feistiness,
tenacity, grit, and that wonderful sense of humor!”
Feel how big YOU are and, as Joyce did, fill your own life with
greatness. As she would say, “Get a great life” and stop the cycle of
pathology!
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please
let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information
about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information.)
No comments:
Post a Comment