In the last article, we began
talking about the grief process as it pertains to ending the relationship with
your dangerous (and often, pathological) person. Even though the relationship
was damaging, and maybe you even initiated the breakup, you cannot sidestep the
necessary grieving. Women are then shocked to find themselves grieving at all,
given how abusive, damaging, or horrible the relationship was. They tell themselves
they should be grateful to be out and this negates their own feelings of loss.
The end of a relationship always constitutes a loss, whether he died or whether
the relationship merely ended—the heart recognizes it as the same—a “loss.”
I mentioned in the last
article that grief is natural. It’s an organic way the body and mind try to rid
themselves of pain. That’s why it’s so necessary, because if you did not grieve
you would have no way to eventually be out of pain. Grief is the way a person
moves through the loss and to the other side of health and healing.
Without grief there wouldn’t
even be a POTENTIAL for healing because grief must take place for healing to later
occur. To stuff your grief, or try to avoid it, is to sabotage your own ability
to heal. For every person trying to work through the ending of a relationship,
grief is the healthiest response.
Some of the losses associated
with the end of the relationship were discussed in the previous article. Many
of you have written me to talk about the ‘personal side’ of grief—the other
aspects that were lost because of the pathological relationship which must be
grieved.
These
include the loss of:
·
your own
self-respect
·
respect
of others
·
trust of
others
·
your
ability to trust your own instincts
·
your own
dignity
·
your
self-identity
·
your
self-confidence
·
your
self-esteem
·
hope
·
joy
·
the
belief that you can ever be different or better
These significant personal
losses may not always be recognized as ‘grief’ but more as all the deficits
that have been left behind because of the pathological relationship. Although
he is gone, this is his mark upon your life and your soul. These losses reflect
the loss of your self and your own internal personal resources.
Stripped away is your ability
to recognize your former self, the ability to tap into what was once the
strength that helped you in life, and to respect your self and your life
choices.
Of all the things that need
grieving, women indicated these personal losses are the most devastating.
Because, in the end, you are all that you have left—when he is gone, you must
fall back on your self for your healing. But what is left has been described by
survivors as ‘an empty shell of a former life’ … ‘a garden that is overgrown
with weeds and in disrepair’ … ‘a once-stately estate that has been vandalized
and abandoned’.
To begin the arduous task of
healing and repair requires that you turn inward and draw on your resources.
But what was there feels like it is gone You may want to begin the healing from
the pathological relationship but you are stopped short in your tracks by the
necessary grieving of all things internal that are now gone or damaged.
Clearly, the first step is to
grieve. Let us know if we can help you take that first step.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us
know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information
about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information.)
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