By Sandra L. Brown,
MA
~ “The first step towards getting somewhere is
to DECIDE that you are not going to stay where you are.” ~ (Anny Jacoby)
I just loved this
quote when I read it. It reminds me of what we have been talking about now for quite
some time and especially the “Living the Gentle Life” series of articles.
I get emails that
say, “I can’t leave him because_________.” There are lots of reasons that
people, both men and women, feel trapped in pathological love relationships for
various reasons. It could be finances, children, poor health, lack of
employment or education, religious beliefs, family, attitude, fear of harm, or
their own damage from PTSD. But the first step toward an internal shift, where
something else might be a possibility, is beginning with knowing that you are
not going to stay where you are.
The external reasons
of why you are still there are just
that—external. The paradigm shift starts internally—the decision you make that
you are not going to stay where you are, whether emotionally, physically,
financially, spiritually, or sexually. Externally, things begin to happen when
you simply make the decision that at some time in the near future, you are not
going to stay where you are. What happens outside of us in recovery starts with
the shift internally, before it is ever manifested in our lives. We won’t
follow a path that isn’t first developed internally. We’ll end up only seeing
roadblocks of the external, which doesn’t help us. The first thing that has to
happen is the decision for internal movement.
Over the 25+ years
of working with pathology and its victims, I have heard every kind of story
about pathological relationships. Anything from the most deviant kind of mind
control to attempted murder to actual murder. I’ve heard of financial hostage
taking, rape, assaults, stalking, women put into comas, people alienated from
their children, people being medically harmed, reputations and careers ruined, and
people locked in their homes or psyches for decades. I’ve heard it all. The
emails start with, “But, I can’t”—and then they give the reason for their
inability to leave.
But there is
movement happening in them that they might not see. They have read articles on our
website, our newsletters, or are emailing us so obviously something inside is
shifting. Somewhere, they are deciding they are not going to stay where they
are! Even mentally they are moving and changing. Their “yes, but” might be a
reason to them, but they are already deciding to not stay where they are.
Yes, there are
safety and housing barriers. Remember, every community has domestic violence (DV) servicesor DV housing which most likely
exists in your area.
Yes, there are
emotional barriers—you have PTSD. Remember most communities have DV counseling
services that are free - churches have support groups, and community mental
health counseling for you or your children is free or very low in cost.
Yes, there are
starting-over barriers when you leave with only what’s in your suitcase. Remember,
DV services and other nonprofit organizations offer furniture, clothing and
household items to those starting over.
Yes, there are legal
barriers—you don’t have an attorney. Remember self-help, nonprofit and women’s
organizations. DV agencies have information on legal aid and OTHER types of pro
bono services if you don’t qualify for legal aid.
Yes, there are other
case-specific barriers—there are so many issues to manage at once. Remember
women’s organizations, DV agencies and other nonprofit organizations have case
workers assigned to you so you don’t have to do it all yourself.
You need only first
decide that you are not going to stay where you are. That’s the first step to
the rest of your life. That doesn’t mean you leave tomorrow—that means you
shift internally—that you open the emotional door of possibility that you will
not always be where you are today.
Right around the
corner is October - Domestic Violence Awareness month when I stop and give tribute
and memory to those patients of mine who have died because they believed they
couldn’t do anything about their situation or they underestimated his (or her) pathology.
In honor of all those who have been harmed, alive or not, we remember you and
send possibility to those living in a
pathological situation that your life can and will be different. I don’t say
that flippantly—I too have experienced a lot of pain when I see patients
further harmed, so I say it from my own experience.
The Institute has helped thousands of people make that
paradigm shift internally so they could eventually make it externally.
(**If
we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The
Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors
of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love
relationships is in our award-winning book, Women
Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone
sessions. See the website for more information).
