by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Since Valentine's Day was upon us, I thought it would be a great discussion about what happens in Pathological Love Relationships--- that attraction is on over-drive while love (from a pathological) is lingo-bling.
But what about real love, healthy love? People write all the time and say 'When are you going to write How to Spot a Healthy Partner because with as many bad relationships that I've been in, I can hardly tell the difference between what should be obviously toxic and what should be obviously healthy.'
The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic 'looks like' helps us to see what real 'love' should look like too.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).
Since Valentine's Day was upon us, I thought it would be a great discussion about what happens in Pathological Love Relationships--- that attraction is on over-drive while love (from a pathological) is lingo-bling.
But what about real love, healthy love? People write all the time and say 'When are you going to write How to Spot a Healthy Partner because with as many bad relationships that I've been in, I can hardly tell the difference between what should be obviously toxic and what should be obviously healthy.'
The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic 'looks like' helps us to see what real 'love' should look like too.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).
|
Love
|
Toxic
Love
|
|
· Development
of self is first priority
|
· Obsession
with relationship
|
|
· Room
to grow, expand, desire for other to grow
|
· Security
and comfort in sameness; insensitivity of need seen as proof of love (may
really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
|
|
· Separate
interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships
|
· Total
involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests
|
|
· Encouragement
of each other's expanding; secure in own worth
|
· Preoccupation
with other's behavior; fear of other changing
|
|
· Appropriate
Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature)
|
· -
Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply"
|
|
· Compromise,
negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together
|
· Power
plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation
|
|
· Embracing
of each other's individuality
|
· Trying
to change other to own image
|
|
· Relationship
deals with all aspects of reality
|
· Relationship
is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant
|
|
· Self-care
by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood
|
· Expectation
that one partner will fix and rescue the other
|
|
· Loving
detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go)
|
· Fusion
(being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings)
|
|
· Sex
is free choice growing out of caring & friendship
|
· Pressure
around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification
|
|
· Ability
to enjoy being alone
|
· Unable
to endure separation; clinging
|
|
· Cycle
of comfort and contentment
|
· Cycle
of pain and despair
|
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then you are probably in a Pathological Love Relationship because the end result of these relationships is 'Inevitable Harm.' Let's be clear that there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. And these lessons are mostly about pathology, its permanence, and the lives it affects without discrimination.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No comments:
Post a Comment