“People, like all forms of life, only change
when something so disturbs them that they are forced to let go of their present
beliefs. Nothing changes until we interpret things differently. Change occurs
only when we let go of our certainty.” ~Dee
Hock
Rigorous honesty is the first
rule of recovery. Nothing happens until the truth is laid on the table. Well, that
ends a lot of recoveries right there—the inability, or even refusal, to be
honest, especially with yourself.
Telling yourself the truth
means several difficult things:
1. It
means you stop covering for him—stop making excuses for his behavior, quietly
and secretly looking for loopholes he
just might fit into (“he doesn’t met ALL the criteria for pathology, only 10
out of 12. Psychology could be wrong
in his case”).
Instead
of looking with the eyes of safety and seeing how many ways he DOES fit in, you
scour every square inch of your memory and his behavior looking for ONE
redeeming trait that is supposed to wipe out the 25 absolutely pathological
things he does. You aren’t telling yourself the truth about him and his pathology or your own loophole hunt and what your real motives are—to find a reason to
stay.
2. It
means telling yourself the truth about how you need to take responsibility for your choices and your recovery.
Telling
yourself the truth about your own choices means you are willing to really dig
in and look at where your choices in relationships have their origins. You
can’t change what you don’t see. While you are not responsible for the abuse
you incurred, you are responsible for your own recovery and the safety of you
(and your children). This can only occur when you begin telling yourself the
truth about the level of danger you are in and the level of damage you (and
your children) have already sustained. Taking responsibility for your recovery
means that you both acknowledge the victimization AND seek to thrive beyond the
mere title of ‘victim.’ We see so many women do part one: acknowledge the
victimhood, but then don’t do part two. They camp out in the victimhood and, 10
years later, they are still in the same spot as they were before.
Recovery
means movement and progress. We have to tell ourselves the truth
about
our own recovery—we have to kick our own butts if we stagnate or stop growing.
Some women find their identities in their victimization because of the severe
abuse and loss of self-esteem. Years later, some women have never done anything
for their own recovery. They read one book, saw themselves in it, recognized
their victimhood, closed the book, squatted—and stayed there. You already lived
THAT—real life is out there on the other side of recovery (even IN recovery).
Tell yourself the truth about how invested you are in your recovery or what you
need to really do in order to recover. If you’re afraid of success—acknowledge that.
3. It
means taking responsibility for relapses.
Sometimes
women secretly want to relapse. Have you had that feeling? They just want to go
back to what feels normal—which is often
dysfunction. It is human nature to want what is comfortable even when it’s
painful. That makes recovery all the more difficult because when you are tired,
lonely, and sick of the pain you are in, it would be great to believe the
fantasy again—wouldn’t it? Just ONE night where he pretends it’s gonna be good again
(and even though you know it’s not true, and for that night you don’t really even
care if he’s lying), and both of you know how to fake it to ward off the pain
and loneliness. So there’s that night of passion that has been fueled by fear
and abandonment, but the next day when everyone is past the fantasy, it all
starts again. Then you think: since you gave in, and you really don’t have what
it takes to end this and leave anyway—you sigh and resign yourself to just living
in hell.
Telling
yourself the truth is pointing to the ways you sabotage yourself. When you are
tired, lonely and sick of pain and you feel the old feelings of relapse
sneaking in and your head is wanting the fantasy back—you don’t pick up the
phone and call someone who can remind you what reality is. You don’t plan
something for that evening that will help you get through that night without
sabotaging yourself. The video is replaying all the fragments that only show the
‘good parts’ of the relationship. It’s warm and cozy. You pick up the phone and
call him, or you answer when he calls. Telling yourself the truth is about how
long you had planned to self-sabotage.
Those are 3 REALLY HARD
THINGS to hear. But they are at the crux of recovery. Trauma, fear, and abandonment
actually INCREASE people’s feeling of attachment. The more you have been hurt
by him, the more intensely attached you will be. Those trauma bonds are hard to
break and even harder to live with. Women say they want MOST to be out of pain,
flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts about the relationship (good and bad) but
they sabotage themselves—by not
protecting themselves with a No Contact strategy, by not managing their anxiety, by not
developing a support system, by not
planning ahead for sabotaging thoughts, etc.
Recovery is a life change.
It’s not a quick fix to get out of pain like Ativan or Xanax. Women who take a
whopping 6 weeks or a few months off from dating and jump right back in are
shocked to find themselves back in the same thing again—but it’s usually with
someone even WORSE than the last one. The most common factor is each man is
more dangerous than the one before. That’s because women think time heals
wounds and if it’s been a few months, SURELY it’s time to date again. Recovery
heals wounds. Sitting out for 5 years and doing nothing about gathering insight
about your weaknesses, relationship patterns, and problems will not magically
make you ready for a relationship because you waited 5 years.
Time is time. It just passes.
You have to change your life in
order to change your choices.
Recovery, or changing your life, is a new way of seeing yourself, your previous
relationships, your past, your choices, your coping skills and—most importantly—a
future filled with different choices and healthier relationships.
I KNOW you ladies are up to
the challenge. In the 25+ years that I have been doing this and kicking butts (referred
to as Sandra’s Bootcamp!), I am always AMAZED at the quiet strength that grows
in women as they take the chance to detach, be alone, and heal. It’s your
strength that has kept me doing this for so many years in the face of great
odds (and often danger) to myself. But ALL of you are worth it!
October is Domestic Violence
Awareness Month (and for The Institute, Pathology Awareness
Month!), so I am starting the kickoff with this article on “Telling Yourself
The Truth.” If we can help you dig down into the truth for you and help you
start your recovery, just let us know! We make it easy—phone sessions in the
privacy of your own home and in the comfort of your fuzzy slippers! Or gather
over coffee in one of our support group and meet other ladies going through it
too. Or jump on a plane or get in your car and go to the beautiful Carolinas,
and begin your healing journey directly with Sandra. Whatever you do... tell
yourself the truth so your recovery can start!
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us
know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about
pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See
the website for more information.)
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