People
who were raised by pathological parents, or with siblings who are pathological,
are more likely to repeatedly date pathological people. Some of the patterns of
partner selection have to do with learned conditioning—learning to normalize abnormal
behavior until that is the norm.
Some pathology
can also be genetically transmitted, so people are often concerned if there are
down lines in their family tree where pathology exists. For instance, one of
the Cluster Bs with a fairly high transmission rate is narcissism. Psychopathy,
too, is genetically transmitted way too often!
Clients have two concerns about pathology and
its effect on them:
1.
If
pathology can be genetic and my parents were pathological, am I PATHOLOGICAL,
TOO?
2. If damage can be done when parented by a
pathological, am I DAMAGED?
Pathology can be genetic. There are many people
who are born to, and raised by, pathological parents who are damaged by this
pathological parenting, but don’t grow up to be pathological themselves. There
has been a lot of research and study about this issue of resilience in people
and why some do become pathological and others do not. Nonetheless, about half of the children of
pathological parents do NOT become pathological from genetic transmission or
from pathological parenting.
However,
many of these 50 percent who do NOT become pathological from genetic
transmission or pathological parenting are STILL negatively affected by the
parenting they did receive. They may carry aftermath symptoms that affect their
choices, patterns, feelings, and behaviors. You might be plagued with
self-doubt, low self-esteem, chronic caregiving of others, and/or a total disregard
for your own needs or self-care. You could battle depression or chronic
anxiety, or fight nagging pessimism about your future or the world around you.
You might be dangerously naïve, never trusting your own instincts, and constantly
be taken advantage of.
You
could have eating disorders, sexual addictions/other sexual disorders, or
obsessive- compulsive behaviors. You could medicate your feelings with drugs or
alcohol or find abusive religious affiliations to take up where your
pathological parents fell away. You may have emotional intimacy problems, or
jump from relationship to relationship, fearing abandonment or being alone. Or
you may engage in what is known as “sexual anorexia”—the forbidding of yourself
to ever be intimate or loving with someone else.
Whether
you understand why your parents (or siblings) behaved like they did, or you are
engulfed in compassion and pity for their illness, the rubber meets the road at
the point where your needs went so chronically unmet that you now have your own
emotional problems because of what you didn’t get at those crucial
developmental points of your life.
Compassion, pity, forgiveness and understanding don’t help you with what
you never got from the most important people in your life. If you recognize these
symptoms in yourself you probably were/are affected from pathological parenting.
If you
learned to normalize abnormal behavior, no wonder dangerous and pathological
men look like pretty normal people for you to date! Pathological parenting
instills a pathological worldview about yourself, others, and the world around
you. The “others” part of the worldview is how you keep ending up with pathological
men—narcissists, sociopaths, and other dangerous types. What you learned at the
feet of your parents was that black was white and white was black. So many
women find that their level of attraction to pathological men was largely generated
and supported within the pathological family.
This is a complicated issue that has its roots
in several factors related to your adult life. Some of these patterns are related
to:
·
Your
chronic pattern of selection in men
·
Your
inability to recognize and respond to red flags
·
Your
non-existent boundaries in intimate relationships
·
Your
pathologized worldview that sees black as white and white as black
·
Your
ongoing symptoms of relationship confusion, PTSD symptoms or other symptoms you
might be having
Reading
relationship books or going to relationship counselors is not going to address
your pathological worldview and your corresponding symptoms and patterns of
selection in men. Your unique family system and relating difficulties need to
have the specific understanding and treatment associated with adult children of
pathological parents.
We do
recognize your unique needs. And we also understand your concern about having
been so chronically exposed to pathology through your early years and its
devastating results now in your adult life. Rest assured that if YOU were
pathological, you would most likely NOT be reading this newsletter or seeking
out treatment for your symptoms. Pathologicals don’t stay in counseling or
treatment. If you see yourself in the list of symptoms from pathological
parenting in this newsletter, rest assured they are VERY treatable!
The good
news is that you can recover! Get the help you need in order to stop the cycle
of pattern selection and the aftermath symptoms that plague you!
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us
know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information
about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information.)
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