People relapse and go back into relationships more from
Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day than any other time of the year. Why? So
many great holidays for faking it! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, V-Day...
then PHOOEY! You’re out! Why not be out now
and stay out and save face? You’re not fooling anyone ... not yourself, them,
or your family and friends.
Here’s a secret: Even if you go back, you’re still alone.
You’ve been alone the entire time because, by nature of their disorder, they
can’t be there for you. So you’re alone—now, during the holidays, or with them.
WITH them, you have more drama, damage and danger—your choice.
The holiday season is an extremely stressful time.
It’s a time when it is more likely for:
- Domestic violence to occur or recur
- Dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional
- Pathologicals to be overt and blatant, and to target your joy and ruin your holidays
- Former pathological partners to magically reappear and try to hook you back in
- People to eat, drink, and spend too much
·
People to not get enough rest
- People to feel pressured to “be in a relationship” and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons “just until the holidays are over”
It’s an
idealistic time when people have more depression and anxiety than at any other
time of the year because they think their lives should be like the picture postcards and old movies we
see this time of year. Depression creeps in, anxiety increases, and to cope,
they eat/drink/spend/date in ways they normally would not. But you can’t make a “picture postcard
memory” with a psychopath or a narcissist!
Those with the
super trait of “sentimentality” will focus on the past -- when they had that one perfect Christmas with the
pathological. The other drunken, absent,
or abusive 14 Christmases are forgotten, forgiven or overlooked. But what IS
focused on is that one year when it
was nice and the pitbull stronghold on the hope it will be this way again.
But you and I
both know that pathology is permanent. The bad 14 years are a much better and
more realistic presentation of what pathology is like during the holidays than
the one fluke of a year he held it together. Pathology is very stressful to
experience under any circumstances.
Add to it the expectations for a pathological to be different (i.e., act
appropriately) this time of year, and the pathological’s and everyone else’s
stress is then through the roof. Sometimes even our hope can be “pathological” when
it is focused on something that cannot and
will not change.
The glittering fantasy
that resembles your Christmas tree lights places not only you in the path of misery,
but all those you plan to spend Christmas with—your family, friends, kids and pets.
It is much kinder to unplug your
glittering fantasy and tell yourself the truth of what will happen if you
expect a serene and joyful time with a pathological than it is to drag others
through your fantasy.
Here’s a mantra to say out loud to yourself: “I’m pretending
that staying/going back with a psychopath/narcissist will make my holidays
better.” Pretty ridiculous thought,
isn’t it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing out loud. It takes all
the romanticizing and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in
your face.
“I want to be with a psychopath/narcissist for the
holiday.” Say that three times to
yourself out loud ... NO!! That’s not
what you want. That’s what you got LAST YEAR. You want to be with a nice
man/woman/person for the holidays. And, as you VERY well know, they’re not it.
“I want to share my special holidays with my special
psychopath.” ??? Nope. That’s not it either. But that’s what’s
going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It’s
OKAY to be by yourself for the holidays. It sure beats pathology as a gift.
Peace,
gratitude, and all the spiritual reflections that are supposed to happen during
this time of year cannot be found in pathology. They were not created there,
but they do end there. If your goal for the holidays is to find some peace,
joy, hope, and love, don’t spend it where and with whom it cannot be found. After
the holidays, you will be a lot happier for not having attempted, for the
millionth time, to find happiness where it does not exist.
Here’s a real gift for you—some tips!
TIPS FOR A
HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY
v
Stop idealizing—you are who you are, it is what it is, pathology is
pathology. If your family isn’t perfect, they certainly WON’T be during the
season. Accept yourself and others for who they are. This includes accepting that pathology cannot, and will
not, be different during the holidays simply because you want the Christmas
fantasy. “Emotional suffering is created
in the moment when we don’t accept what ‘is’.” (~Eckart Tolle)
v
Don’t feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to.
Remind yourself that you have choices and the word “No” is a complete sentence. Don’t be held hostage to exhausting holiday
schedules.
v
Take quiet time during the season or you’ll get run over by the sheer
speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy
your own present now—some bubble bath—and spend quality time with some bubbles
by yourself. Light a candle, find five things to be grateful for, repeat often.
v
Take same-sex friends to parties and don’t feel OBLIGATED to go with
someone you don’t want to go with. People end up in the worst binds going to
parties with others, and get stuck in relationships they don’t want to be in,
because they feel obligated. Find a few other friends who are willing to be
“party partners” during the holidays.
v
Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is
to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the
homeless, buy toys for kids and those who are in need.
v
Find time for spiritual reflection. It’s the only way to really feel the
season and reconnect. Go to a church service, pray, meditate, reflect.
v
Plant joy—in yourself, in your life and in others. What you invest in your own recovery is also reaped
in the lives of those closest to you.
v
Pick ONE growth-oriented issue you’d like to focus on next year for your
own growth beginning on January 1. It creates
hope when you know you have a plan to move forward and out of your current
emotional condition. Invest in your opportunity to grow past the aftermath of
this pathological love relationship.
Happy Holidays
from The
Institute!
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please
let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information
about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information.)
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