Recovery and finding
your path to emotional wellness from pathological love relationships isn’t a
quick and easy ‘done deal’. When women get mild relief from the unrelenting
symptoms of the aftermath with a pathological, it can be very palatable to
them. The relief from the intrusive
thoughts, obsessions, PTSD, poor sleep, hyper-vigilance, or any other
problematic symptom can feel “healing” to them.
But it doesn’t always mean they ARE healed.
Over and over again,
I have learned how damaging, how unrelenting, the aftermath is from
pathological relationships. For some
women, it reaches all the way back to childhood with pathological parents. For others, it has only been in their
intimate relationships during adulthood, yet it has left its distinguished
mark.
Mild relief can
often be mistaken for recovery. Recovery
is a lifelong journey of self-care.
Recovery can begin at the moment you recognize the damage done to you by
pathological individuals, but it doesn’t end with a counselor or a group. For many women, the symptoms have crept into
their worldview—how they see others, their environment, and themselves. I learn again and again, as I meet with
women, that the damage is widespread.
This isn’t a quick fix or often, a quick treatment. While your mild relief of symptoms instills
relief or hope, it isn’t the end of your recovery journey. It’s the beginning.
Like peeling an
onion, each layer shows a level of damage that needs care. All the way down to the core are layers of
unperceived and unrecognized aftermath symptoms. At the core are boundary issues—those
necessary limits that show that someone understands what is your’s, someone
else’s, or God’s. From the center of
boundaries are gates that must be developed to serve as limits saying what one
will and will not tolerate.
Boundaries are the
bedrock of all recovery. Anything that
is built will be built from the issue of healthy or unhealthy boundaries. Many women don’t realize that pathological
people target women with poor boundaries.
The pathological tests this out early in the relationship, and when
small boundary violations are not managed, they proceed with bigger violations.
Every violation is a green light to the pathological. Learning how to establish
healathy boundaries is the first step in recovery.
In another layer of
the onion lays hyper-vigilance issues. High harm avoidance from PTSD weaves a
level of distrust in new environments, people, and situations. It affects fear of the future and even fear
of the present.
Yet another layer of
the onion is communication—the ability to listen in the midst of upset. Since
pathological individuals have skewed communication, this area is often
seriously affected. Long-term exposure to pathological people produces the same
type of skewed communication patterns and linguistics in women who have
normalized the abnormal behavior of pathologicals.
A layer of emotional
regulation is most assuredly part of the aftermath— many women experience anxiety,
depression, irritability, the overflow of pent-up emotions, and the inability
to control their emotions.
In layer after layer
are aftermath symptoms that must be peeled away and treated in recovery. Everyone knows there are many layers in an
onion. While it may be disconcerting to
see all those layers, the layers are translucent and show the wounding in each
level that recovery must touch.
Women who have begun
recovery may be surprised at what feels like the unending layers of an onion,
and wonder when they will reach the core.
Mild relief from anxiety or sleeplessness is welcomed, but should not be
viewed as more than it is. Reaching to
the core is deep work and should be respected for the lengthy process it is
likely to be. What other choice is
there?
Whether you begin at
the core with boundaries, or start at the outer edge with symptom management
and work into the core, allow the process because there is no healing without
it. We must never underestimate the
damage done by pathological individuals at a deep emotional, and, even
spiritual, level.
(**If
we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The
Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for
survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about
pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information).
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