We live in an instant society: instant
messaging, twitter, drive through food, microwaves, text messaging, ipods/ipads
and smart phones--just about anything we want NOW we can have in an instant. No
wonder we have confused the speed of technology with relational speed. After
all, isn't this the decade of speed dating and fast relationships?
The problem is that there is no way to
rush REAL intimacy. Speed dating does not = relationship security and knowledge
about the other person. There is only one way to know someone and that is
through adequate time. There are no short cuts.
Many people think that if you substitute
the time you would spend with someone over a year in a relationship of knowing them
and squeeze that time into a 24/7 relationship, then you will get the same
results. Very often there is an inappropriate pacing in relationships in which
people early on begin to spend 24/7 with a new person. They give up their
outside hobbies, friends, families, other relationships, and lifestyles. They
think that if someone WANTS to spend 24/7 with them, they must be 'really into
them.'
Over the years as a mental health
counselor, I have found there are a number of reasons why people want to rush
relationships. Sometimes it's because they want to usher you into the center of
their lives before you find out their history. They want you really tied-in to the
relationship before you find out why no one else has wanted a relationship with
them. Other times it is because the person has a hard time being alone. That is
never a good sign.
The inability to be alone is often
related to other mental health issues. Fast paced relationships can be a
distraction away from their own feelings and issues.
I always suggest that the woman be in
charge of the pacing of the relationship. If she has been 24/7 with someone,
stop! Not only because it's unhealthy but also to see what he will do with the
change of pace in the relationship. Make other plans, see friends, don't be so
available. Healthy persons will accept the pacing change. They may not like it,
but they will honor it. Unhealthy and even dangerous persons will blame, shame,
and guilt you. This should be a red flag as to whether this person is someone
safe to date.
Rushing a relationship--whether it's
dating 24/7, moving in early together, or marrying within the first year is a
mistake that renders not enough time to truly know a person. This includes the
persons 'true' (as opposed to 'stated') background, their character, and maybe
their own dangerousness. It takes time to build a healthy relationship. It
takes no time at all to imitate one.
(**If we can support you in your
recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the
largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love
relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our
award-winning book, Women Who Love
Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, on-on-ones, or phone
sessions. See the website for more information).
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