Over the past month
or so, we have been talking about healing from pathological love relationships and what is involved in this
process. It requires facing the damage
that has been done and recognizing any stress disorders or PTSD that you might now
have from the relationship. It then requires changing your life in order to
heal – changing your physical environment and
learning how to develop a lifestyle that helps you heal emotionally,
psychologically, spiritually and sexually. Today, we’re going to talk about the
sexual effect of pathological and dangerous relationships.
Last week we talked
about healing the spiritual effects of a pathological relationship. Ironically, the sexual effects are also often
spiritual effects. That’s because a lot of the spiritual effects have to do
with attaching and bonding on many levels – including
spiritually. In a spiritual sense, we have been designed to bond during sexual
experiences – especially women.
(WARNING – THIS IS GRAPHIC!) Recent hormonal and sexual
studies have indicated orgasms achieved during sex release the same brain
chemicals that are released during BONDING with your baby!
This phenomenal
aspect gives great insight into WHY it is so hard to leave a relationship, even
if it is dangerous. Many of the
dangerous types of men are hypersexual so there is A LOT of sex. A lot of sex
equals a lot of opportunities for sexual bonding through orgasm and hormonal
stimulation. Women are, by nature, NOT abandoners; they stay with those to whom
they ‘attach’ or ‘bond’. So the more bonded you feel to him, the less likely
you are to leave. The more sexually attached you are, which often feels like
spiritually attached - “he’s my soul mate”,
the more confusing and difficult it is to detach.
Additionally, many
pathological men who are hypersexual bring to a relationship a lot of sexual
deviancy. For the first time in your life, you may have been exposed to sexual
behaviors or aspects that you have never experienced. Since the pathological is
great at manipulation, guilt, and rewarding your loyalty, you may have been
coerced into sexual behaviors that violated your own morality or normal sexual
boundaries. Perhaps he introduced pornography, sexual acts you were
uncomfortable with, group sexual experiences, relationship rape, or other
sexual violations into the relationship. Additionally, most pathological men,
in their hypersexuality, are NOT monogamous, so maybe you acquired an STD from
him.
These deep soul
wounds harm more than just your emotions. They harm you spiritually and
infiltrate your sexual identity. A woman often feels so perverted in what she
has experienced, she may feel like she has to stay with him because no ‘normal’
or ‘healthy’ man would want her after what she has done in the sexual relationship with him.
In some
relationships, true sexual addiction may have occurred. You may feel as if you
are addicted to him, the sex with him, or sex with anyone. What you have
experienced IS sexual abuse in the relationship. However, pathological men have
an uncanny way of making you feel like a willing participant, or that it’s YOUR
deviancy he is responding to sexually. Remember - they twist and pervert every
aspect of the truth.
The sexual side
effects of the relationship can contribute to your overall stress disorder or
PTSD. It is an aspect that should be treated in order to reclaim your sexual
identity. Untreated, your skewed sexual
identity can cause you to continue to sexually act out, to cooperate in his
sexual deviancy, or to use drugs or alcohol to numb your painful feelings.
It also can cause
increased PTSD symptoms, anxiety and depression, or leave you despondent to
stay in pathological relationships out of a sense of feeling dirty or unworthy
of healthier relationships.
You can also be
impacted spiritually - driving you away from the solace and help you find in
your own connection to God.
From this
standpoint, the ONLY way to live a gentle life is to heal your sexual side and
to see the damage done to your sexuality as part of the overall picture of the
after-effects of a dangerous and pathological relationship.
If you are in
counseling, please talk to your counselor about the sexual effects of your
relationship.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please
let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information
about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information.)
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