“Ah, just get a life!”
Have people ever
told you that? Sometimes from the chronic stress and upheaval the pathological
love relationship caused, people can get very one-dimensional and hyper-focused
on him, their relationship, or the problems surrounding the relationship. They
stop doing the kinds of things in their lives that could help them be LESS
obsessed, depressed, or anxious. That’s because survivors tend to ‘lose
themselves’ in the pathological relationship. It’s a testimony to the strength
of pathology and the almost labyrinthine maze of hypnotic lull that occurs in
these relationships.
The crazier it gets,
the more the survivor feels like she needs to “try to understand it,” or “try
to make him understand what he is doing,” or “do something that will help the
relationship feel less pathological.” These ideas can create a 24/7 obsession – it can take up your whole life trying to
balance the relationship, which you have probably figured out, cannot be
balanced.
Getting lost in a
very dark tunnel can draw people away from the actions, behaviors, thoughts,
people, and resources that previously allowed them to live a happier and more
balanced life. The pathological relationship is all-consuming, and soon, any
level of your own self-care is abandoned for the insane focus on how to help
him, or mend the relationship.
It isn’t very long
before others around you notice the myopic and single-focused person you have
become –
that can’t think or talk about
anything except the pathological relationship. This myopic view of your
relationship has now blocked out any other part of your life. Consequently,
people are bailing out of your life, and emotional resources are dwindling, as
your life has become the size and shape of him.
Women in the most
dire situations (especially in domestic violence cases) are those who have lost
physical and emotional resources and can find no way to get out. The less
support a woman feels from others, the more likely she is to stay because it
takes support to get out, to break up, and to not go back. So, by the act of
myopia, her life and resources just dwindle away.
One day someone says
to her, “Man, you need to get a bigger life than THIS,” and something really
hits her about that statement. Like coming out of a deep freeze, the lightbulb
goes on. She notices her lack of a life and says, “What happened to me? Where is
my life?”
The last few weeks
in the newsletter, I have been talking about ‘living the gentle life,’
especially if you are someone who has lived in a pathological love
relationship, or has a chronic stress disorder or PTSD. A gentle life is a full
life. It is a life that includes the kinds of things that nurture you and bring
you peace. The gentle life is healing, because the feeling of joy is sending
the right kinds of signals to your brain that fight depression and anxiety.
This gives the sensation of well-being. In order to heal, you need to be a ‘joy
hunter.’
The fact is, women
go back, or choose poorly again, because they fail to build a life for
themselves. They know how to ‘invest and invest’ in him and in the relationship,
but do not know how to ‘invest’ and build a life of their own – without him. Women who have healthy lives on
the outside of the relationship are more likely to get out and to stay out.
Loneliness is one of
the key risk factors that cause women to return to the relationship or one that
is similar. There are so many ways to get your needs met for friendship, fun,
support, beauty, or whatever you love in life. Building a life – especially a gentle life, is the best
prevention for relapse a woman can do.
But sadly, many will
not do this. After more than 25 years of doing this type of work, I can pick
out who will and who will not invest in themselves by building a life. Those who
don’t are in the same boat years down the road – either
with the same pathological person, or another one just like him. Those who do
build a life are less likely to feel pressure to date or, worse yet, to phone
him out of loneliness.
The gentle life isn’t
even possible unless you have a life and a mindset that is ready for transformation.
Living with a pathological or picking another one is just about as opposite a
gentle life as there is. Will you be one who rebuilds a fabulous life?
Joyce Brown, who
inspired our work and who happens to have been my mother, said, “I’ve got to
stop focusing on him and get a great life!” At 60, she went to college. At 70,
she took up belly dancing. And after 70, she sailed her own boat to the
Bahamas, traveled to Paris and beyond. She proved the point that creating a
great life was, in and of itself, learning to create a gentle life.
Much healing to you!
(**If
we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The
Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for
survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about
pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information.)
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