Last week I began talking about the issue of happiness and how happiness is hinged on external conditions such as relationships, things, careers, stuff....Our happiness is largely conditional based on if things go the way we think they should go and if people act the way we think they should act.
This leaves alot of our own happiness tied to someone else's shirt tails and when he leaves, your happiness goes right out the door with him. Last week I got to tell some fun stories about my mom and her concepts of happiness.
What I talked about regarding my mom is her 'joy' which was far different than her happiness. She wasn't always happy. My father was murdered. That certainly did not bring happiness. Her 2nd husband stole her life savings and was a sociopath. No happiness there. Her last 'main squeeze' in her life died of prostrate cancer--a lot of sadness there. Yet, my mother was unusually 'joyful.'
Because joy has to do with the quality of US, not them. It's a me factor, not a him, or them, factor. Happiness may be external but joy is internal and in many ways eternal. It imminates from within us and can exist even when the external cirucmstances of our lives 'suck.'
Joy can be infectious and can touch others when how we are has nothing to do with who we are with. It's a barometer reading of how we are doing with ourselves and in our own spiritual development. It reminds us how we are doing with managing our own outlook, optimism, and future. We may not have control over what he's doing, who he's doing, or how he's doing but we do have control over how we choose to see our circumstances. This is the essence of internal joy--managing the world view from the inside instead of taking your emotional temperature based on how well he's behaving. How I am or how my joy is can't be taken by a thermometer from his mouth. It has to be taken from our internal and eternal wellbeing.
When you are finally able to shift your focus of 'where' and 'how' joy is created, it is a mind blowing change. Because you no longer hold tight to the reins of external control---I'll be happy when someone else does this_________. You are able to refocus on finding joy in your life, just the way it is, with yourself and all your warts. In fact, over the past couple years I wrote about this regarding Viktor Frankel a jewish psychiatrist who went thru the Holocaust and developed what is now called 'Existential Psychology' which is finding meaning in pain AND taking control of how you see what you have lived thru.
If all pain is bad then there is no gift in it. If there is no gift there is no learning. If there is no learning there is no opportunity to transform it. If you can't transform it, you are it's victim.
Joy comes from right perspective when we tweak how we see ourselves, our lives, and the lessons of our lives. When life is a spiritual walk not just a relationship destination, we are able to see the lessons as part of the journey and the OPTION of having joy even in the midst of a unplanned disaster like a pathological relationship. Joy is like a new eye glass prescription--it clears up and crisps up how we see who we are on this journey and path of life even while in pain.
Your pain does not have to define you. That's your choice. You are more than your pain. And so is your life!
If we can help you in 2012 move forward in your joy, please consider joining us for the ONLY TWO retreats we are doing in 2012. February and March. Contact us for more information.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Joy -VS- Happiness
You were out looking for a little happiness when you stumbled upon Dr. Jekyll as he was appearing wonderful and considerate. Strangely, before you knew it, evil Mr. Hyde was instead dismantling anything that resembled happiness and leaving in it's wake, destruction and despair.
Despair is a long way from the happiness you were initially seeking. How did you get from mere happiness-seeking to a totally despairing life? How can you embrace the happiness that you set out to find?
It might not even be 'happiness' per se that you were initially seeking. You might have been looking for someone who was introspective, spiritual and existential. But you tell me...
Happiness is external. It's based on situations, events, people, places, things, and thoughts. Happiness is connected to your hope for a relationship or your hope for a future with someone. Happiness is linked to that 'some day when I meet the right guy' or 'when he starts changing and acting right' or 'when he goes to counseling.'
Happiness is future oriented and it puts all its eggs in someone elses basket. It is dependent on outside situations, people, or events to align with your expectations so that the end result is your happiness. These expectations can be seen especially during the holidays when whether or not you have a 'merry christmas' or a 'happy holiday' depends on whether or not he is with you, shows up, isn't drunk, isn't cheating,
or a list of other behaviors you expect for a 'happy holiday' experience. Unfortunately, pathology rarely obliges in that way. So when the relationship falls thru, or he isn't wonderful at Christmas, or you kick him out, or he cheats again, or he runs off with your money, or he was a con artist...then your holidays were not 'happy' and your happiness
was crushed.
Unhappiness is the result. It's a typical and inevitable result in pathological love relationships. Afterall, it's the only way it CAN turn out. There are no happy endings to pathological relationships. After Christmas and New Years, he will still be pathological and you will still have the same problems you had in November. You notice that
The Institute has not written a book called 'How to Have a Happy Relationship With a Pathological.'
Chronic unhappiness leads to despair and depression. Remember the emotional roller coaster you rode with him? You were happy when he was good, and miserable when he was bad? You were hypnotically lulled into happy-land when you were with him and in intrusive thought-hell when you weren't? Your happiness was hitched to his rear end.
When he was around (and behaving) you were happy. When he wasn't, your happiness followed his rear end right out the door and you were obsessing, wondering, and pacing.
Happiness is what you feel when he says the 'right romantic' stuff, buys you a ring or moves in. But happiness is not joy because joy is not external, it can't be bought and it is not conditional on someone else's behavior. In fact, joy is not contingent on anything in order to exist. You don't have to have 'him' for the holidays to have joy. Likewise, you don't have to get revenge, snoop out his short comings, tell the new girlfriend the truth or
any thing else in order to have joy. You can lose in court with him, already have lost your life savings to him, watch him out with a new woman, or live out of the back of your car and still have joy.
You're probably thinking,'Sure you can have joy in those circumstances if you are Mother Teresa!' Joy is almost a mystery, isn't it? It's a spiritual quality that is internal. My mother had a lot of joy and I learned from watching her joy. Her pathological man ran off with her life savings forcing her to work well past retirement. It forced her to live simply so moved to a one room beach shack and drove a motorcycle. For cheap entertainment,
she walked the beach and painted nudes. She drank cheap grocery store wine that came in a box, bought her clothes from thrift shops, and made beach totes from crocheting plastic grocery bags together. She recycled long before it was hip to do it. But what she recycled most and best was pain....into joy.
Instead of looking externally for yet another relationship to remove the sting of the last one, or to conquer the boredom she might feel at being alone...she cultivated internal and deep abiding joy. It was both an enigma and a privlege to watch this magnificent life emerge from the ashes of great betrayal.
I use her a lot as an example of someone who went ahead and got a great life and turned this rotten deal into an exquistie piece of art called her life. Anyone who spoke of my mother spoke MOST of her radiant joy. She had the 'IT' factor long before it was even called 'IT.' Women flocked to her to ask 'How did you do it? How did you shed the despair and bitterness of what he did and grow into this? THIS bright shining joyful person? What is your secret?'
Somewhere along that rocky path of broken relationships with pathological men, she learned that happiness is fleeting if it's tied to a man's shirt tails. She watched too many of the shirt tails walk out the door with her happiness tied to his butt. In order to find the peacefulness that resides inside, she had to learn what was happiness and what was joy.
The transitory things of life are happiness-based. She had a big house and lost a big house when she divorced my father. She had a big career and lost a big career when she got 'too old' according to our culture to have the kind of job she had. She had diamonds and lost diamonds.
So she entered into voluntary simplicity where the fire of purging away 'stuff' left a clearer picture and path to the internal life. When stuff, people, and the problems they bring fall away there is a stillness. Only in that stillness can we ever find the joy that resides inside of us, dependent on nothing external in order to exist. During this holiday season, this is a great concept to contemplate.
Her joy came from deeply held spiritual beliefs but it also came from a place even beyond that. Joy comes when you make peace with who you are, where you are, why you are, and who you are not with. When you need nothing more than your truth and the love of a good God to bring peace, then you have settled into the abiding joy that is not rocked by relationships. It's not rocked by anything.
It wasn't rocked as she layed dying four years ago in the most peaceful arms of grace--a blissful state of quiet surrender and anticipation. Those who were witness to her death still tell me that her death brought new understanding to them about the issue of real joy. Joy in all things....death of a dream, death of relationship, death of a body. Joy from within, stripped down, naked and beautiful.
Untie your happiness from the ends of his shirt tales...
Merry Christmas and Peace To You In This Season of Peaceful Opportunities!
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Holidays and Pathological Stress
Holidays are extremely stressful times. It's a time when it is more likely:
* For domestic violence to occur or reoccur
* For dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional
* For pathology to be overt and blatant
* For pathology to target your joy and ruin your holidays
* For former pathological relationships to magically reappear and try to hook you back in
* People drink more
* People binge eat because of the stress
* Some feel pressured to 'be in a relationship' during the holidays and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons to 'just get thru the holidays'
* To overspend
* To not get enough rest
It's an idealistic time when people have more depression and anxiety than any other time of the year. They think their lives 'should be' the picture postcards and old movies we watch this time of year. Depression creeps in, anxiety increases, and to cope they eat/drink/spend/date in ways they normally would not.
Those with the super trait of ‘sentimentality’ focus on years past when you had that ‘one’ perfect Christmas with the pathological. The last drunken, absent, or abusive 14 Christmases are forgotten, forgiven or overlooked. But what IS focused on is that one year when it was nice and your pit-bull stronghold on the hope it will be this way again.
But you and I both know that pathology is permanent. The last 14 years are a much better and more realistic presentation of what pathology does during the holidays than the one fluke of a year he held it together. Pathology is and of itself stressful to experience under any circumstances. Add to it the expectations for a pathological to be different (ie, act appropriately) this time of year, and the pathologicals and everyone else’s stress is then through the roof. Sometimes even our hope can be pathological when it is focused on something that can not and does not change.
The glittering of your fantasy that resembles your Christmas tree lights places not only you in the path of Christmas misery, but all those you plan to spend Christmas with. Your family, kids, pets, etc. It is much kinder to unplug your glittering fantasy and tell yourself the truth what the likely outcome of attempting to find a serene and joyful moment with a pathological than it is to drag others through your melting fantasy.
Peace, gratitude, and all the spiritual reflections that are suppose to happen during this time of the year cannot be found in pathology. They were not created there but they do end there. If your goal for the holidays is to find some peace, joy, hope, and love then don’t spend it where and with whom it cannot be found. On December 26 and January 2 you will be a lot happier for not having attempted for the millionth time, to find happiness where it does not reside.
TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY
~ Stop idealizing--you are who you are, it is what it is, pathology is pathology. If your family isn't perfect, they certainly WON'T be during the season. Accept yourself and others for who they are. This includes accepting that pathology cannot and will not be different during the Holidays simply because you want the Christmas fantasy. Emotional suffering is created in the moment when we don’t accept what ‘is.’ (Eckart Tolle)
~ Don't feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word 'No' is a complete sentence. Don’t get held hostage to exhausting holiday schedules.
~ Take quiet time during the season or you'll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now--some bubble bath and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself. Light a candle, find 5 things to be grateful for. Repeat often.
~ Take same-sex friends to parties and don't feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don't want to go with. People end up in the worse binds of going to parties with others and get stuck in relationships they don't want to be in because of it. Find a few other friends who are willing to be 'party partners' during the holidays.
~ Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, buy toys for kids.
~ Find time for spiritual reflection. It's the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a church service, pray, reflect.
~ Pick ONE growth oriented issue you'd like to focus on for 2012 for your own growth on January 1. It produces hope to know you have a plan to move forward and out of your current emotional condition. Contact us and let us help you work on that for the new year. Invest in your opportunity to grow past the aftermath of this pathological love relationship.
~ Plant joy--in your self, in your life and in others. What you invest in your own recovery is also reaped in the lives of those closest to you.
Happy Holidays from the The Institute
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
About Face: Changing the Direction from Which You Seek Happiness
This time of year has its own 'internal reflecting' which guides us to dig in, evaluate, and give thanks. We ponder ideas, gather insights that might have eluded us during the busyness of the past 11 months, and slow down to look inward and receive the Light we may not receive at other times during the year. I hope this week's newsletter is a little piece of Light that you are open to receive.
Last Christmas, I got a book written by one of my favorite spiritual writers, Thomas Keating. It's called 'The Human Condition: Contemplation and Transformation.' Profoundly, he reminds us that we spend much of our lives looking for happiness through avenues that can never produce it. We create our misery by "looking for love in all the wrong places," as the song goes. Nothing can be truer when it comes to pathology. Pathology is wired to produce misery, not happiness. Everyone has the same response to pathology--they are harmed, miserable, and eventually try to flee. It's a true indicator of seeking happiness from a source unable to deliver it.
Your idea of happiness was probably initially developed around the relationship, or the fantasy that was painted for you about him, the relationship, or your future. Instead of understanding that happiness had been sought from someone, whom by the nature of their disorder could never deliver happiness, you were held captive in the compulsion of repeating the same scenario with him. You tried to find happiness in the very person who is hard-wired to NOT produce happiness!
Not all of this seeking happiness in the wrong place is the result of his pathology. Some of it is the result of our own unknowing about where happiness is found. It is not found in someone else. Instead, happiness is found inside of our self, rooted in our own spirituality through God. It isn't about them. It is about us.
Keating says, "What we experience is our desperate search for happiness where it cannot possibly be found." The key to our happiness is not lost outside of our self. It was lost inside our self when we began looking for it in someone else. We need to look for it were it can actually BE found.
The chief characteristic of the human condition is that everyone is looking for this key, and nobody knows where to find it. The human condition is thus poignant in the extreme. If you want help as you look for the key in the wrong place, you can get plenty of help because everybody is looking for it in the wrong place too! They are looking for it where there is more pleasure, security, power, and acceptance by others. We have a sense of solidarity in the search, yet without any possibility of finding what we are looking for.
The religions of the world have discovered the insight that (non-pathological) human beings are designed for unlimited happiness, the enjoyment of truth, and love without end. This spiritual hunger is part of our nature as beings with a spiritual dimension. Here we are, with an unbounded desire for happiness and not the slightest idea of where to look for it.
While we may certainly recognize that looking for happiness in alcohol or drugs is looking in the wrong place, do we recognize that looking for happiness even in relationships can be the wrong place? Certainly looking for love in pathology would never produce the key you were seeking, because it cannot be found where you were seeking it. But sometimes people even look for happiness in what appears to be the RIGHT places—marriage, children, higher education, careers, and service to others, only again to find that they are still seeking happiness in the wrong direction.
In religious language, the word 'repent' means to 'turn away from.' And I like that concept even from a psychological growth standpoint. As you find your own path of recovery from the aftermath of the pathological love relationship, your recovery calls you to 'turn away from' the very thing that has produced so much pain for you—the relationship, the choices, the person. In essence, in order for you to find happiness in yourself, God and in you own (often single) life, you much 'change the direction from which you are seeking happiness.' This is especially true of this season in which everything in you wants to 'turn back' to him, to the routine, the perceived comfort—just to get through the tough times of the holidays. Changing the direction from which you seek happiness is embracing the truth that happiness cannot be found in pathology. God did not create you for pathology. He created you for Himself—for peace, love, and joy. It's not there and will never be there in pathology, even if it IS the holidays.
Over the years, I have become pretty good at picking up on those who will 'get it' and move on and never repeat the pathological love relationship dynamic again, and those who WILL, unfortunately, not change direction from which they are seeking happiness. They might change the FACE from whom they seek happiness, but they are still facing the same direction seeking it.
The Institute has been involved in helping hundreds and hundreds of people 'change the direction from which they are seeking happiness', and how to find recovery, healing, growth, and better choices for themselves. To that end, we are always consciously trying to expand the way to meet the needs of our growing population of wounded readers and bring a wider comprehensive approach to your own health, wellbeing, and healing from the aftermath of pathological love relationships. We hope that we have touched your recovery in a positive way in 2011. We hope that we have helped you 'change direction' on your path. If we haven't, we're still here and 2012 is a great year for you to recover!
As we wind down the holidays, the New Year always births in me a new hope. Although there is much turmoil in the world right now, be reminded again, that we can always change the direction from which we have been seeking happiness and focus on a brighter future for our self and with our self. We look forward to being a bright part of your future in 2012. Thank you for entrusting your care and recovery to us this past year. We do not take that privilege lightly.
(**Information on pathology and your recovery is in the award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, also taught during retreats, in 1:1s and in phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
Last Christmas, I got a book written by one of my favorite spiritual writers, Thomas Keating. It's called 'The Human Condition: Contemplation and Transformation.' Profoundly, he reminds us that we spend much of our lives looking for happiness through avenues that can never produce it. We create our misery by "looking for love in all the wrong places," as the song goes. Nothing can be truer when it comes to pathology. Pathology is wired to produce misery, not happiness. Everyone has the same response to pathology--they are harmed, miserable, and eventually try to flee. It's a true indicator of seeking happiness from a source unable to deliver it.
Your idea of happiness was probably initially developed around the relationship, or the fantasy that was painted for you about him, the relationship, or your future. Instead of understanding that happiness had been sought from someone, whom by the nature of their disorder could never deliver happiness, you were held captive in the compulsion of repeating the same scenario with him. You tried to find happiness in the very person who is hard-wired to NOT produce happiness!
Not all of this seeking happiness in the wrong place is the result of his pathology. Some of it is the result of our own unknowing about where happiness is found. It is not found in someone else. Instead, happiness is found inside of our self, rooted in our own spirituality through God. It isn't about them. It is about us.
Keating says, "What we experience is our desperate search for happiness where it cannot possibly be found." The key to our happiness is not lost outside of our self. It was lost inside our self when we began looking for it in someone else. We need to look for it were it can actually BE found.
The chief characteristic of the human condition is that everyone is looking for this key, and nobody knows where to find it. The human condition is thus poignant in the extreme. If you want help as you look for the key in the wrong place, you can get plenty of help because everybody is looking for it in the wrong place too! They are looking for it where there is more pleasure, security, power, and acceptance by others. We have a sense of solidarity in the search, yet without any possibility of finding what we are looking for.
The religions of the world have discovered the insight that (non-pathological) human beings are designed for unlimited happiness, the enjoyment of truth, and love without end. This spiritual hunger is part of our nature as beings with a spiritual dimension. Here we are, with an unbounded desire for happiness and not the slightest idea of where to look for it.
While we may certainly recognize that looking for happiness in alcohol or drugs is looking in the wrong place, do we recognize that looking for happiness even in relationships can be the wrong place? Certainly looking for love in pathology would never produce the key you were seeking, because it cannot be found where you were seeking it. But sometimes people even look for happiness in what appears to be the RIGHT places—marriage, children, higher education, careers, and service to others, only again to find that they are still seeking happiness in the wrong direction.
In religious language, the word 'repent' means to 'turn away from.' And I like that concept even from a psychological growth standpoint. As you find your own path of recovery from the aftermath of the pathological love relationship, your recovery calls you to 'turn away from' the very thing that has produced so much pain for you—the relationship, the choices, the person. In essence, in order for you to find happiness in yourself, God and in you own (often single) life, you much 'change the direction from which you are seeking happiness.' This is especially true of this season in which everything in you wants to 'turn back' to him, to the routine, the perceived comfort—just to get through the tough times of the holidays. Changing the direction from which you seek happiness is embracing the truth that happiness cannot be found in pathology. God did not create you for pathology. He created you for Himself—for peace, love, and joy. It's not there and will never be there in pathology, even if it IS the holidays.
Over the years, I have become pretty good at picking up on those who will 'get it' and move on and never repeat the pathological love relationship dynamic again, and those who WILL, unfortunately, not change direction from which they are seeking happiness. They might change the FACE from whom they seek happiness, but they are still facing the same direction seeking it.
The Institute has been involved in helping hundreds and hundreds of people 'change the direction from which they are seeking happiness', and how to find recovery, healing, growth, and better choices for themselves. To that end, we are always consciously trying to expand the way to meet the needs of our growing population of wounded readers and bring a wider comprehensive approach to your own health, wellbeing, and healing from the aftermath of pathological love relationships. We hope that we have touched your recovery in a positive way in 2011. We hope that we have helped you 'change direction' on your path. If we haven't, we're still here and 2012 is a great year for you to recover!
As we wind down the holidays, the New Year always births in me a new hope. Although there is much turmoil in the world right now, be reminded again, that we can always change the direction from which we have been seeking happiness and focus on a brighter future for our self and with our self. We look forward to being a bright part of your future in 2012. Thank you for entrusting your care and recovery to us this past year. We do not take that privilege lightly.
(**Information on pathology and your recovery is in the award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, also taught during retreats, in 1:1s and in phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Triggers and Knee Jerk Reactions During the Holidays
The holidays are stressful under the best of situations. Add to it a dangerous and pathological relationships and you can have a prescription for **guaranteed** unhappiness.
The pathological relationship never lies dormant during the holidays. It's an opportunity to re-contact you--of course "just to wish you a Merry Christmas." If you haven't already, do read The Institute's materials regarding our 'Starve the Vampire' teaching on no contact! He has a million hooks he will use to get you back in...Here's one- Christmas!
A text message of Happy Holidays is not good cheer. It's a hook. A Christmas card is not a mass card to everyone--it is a targeted approach for you. A gift left on your door step isn't a thoughtful gift--it's a manipulation because being the good mannered girl you are, you'll call and thank him and then he'll have you on the phone....and it all goes downhill from there.
Then there's the mistletoe, and the date for New Years Eve, and the gift he left for your child or your parents....The holidays are one BIG OP-POR-TU-NITY for Mr. Opportunistic.
The No Contact rule still applies and he'll be testing your boundaries to see if it applies during the holidays. If it DOESN'T apply and you responded to him or sent him a text/card/call, you have just taught him where your loop hole is. You also said something very LOUD to him. You just screamed in his ear "I'm Lonely! Come snuggle with me." And you know what he's thinking, "You don't have to ask TWICE!"
Ladies, Christmas is ONE day of the year that is laced with a lot of triggering memories. Maybe from childhood where you believe "miracles happen on Christmas" or "everyone should be together then" or the sights, smells, and memories of past Christmases with him are rehashing in your mind. Don't stay stuck in that 'air brushed Christmas memory' -- how about you pull out your memory list from the other 363 days of the year and how he behaved then? Not one night with the twinkle of Christmas tree lights and a ribbon on a gift. That doesn't make a pathological man stable!
Get out of the fantasy. Christmas has a way of hypnotizing women into the fantasy of his positive behavior and his lack of pathology. Nothing changed because we hit Christmas season. It's just a BIGGER opportunity for him to hook you.
If you're still with the pathological person, they can be very sabotaging at this time of year wanting to strip every little piece of joy you could get from the season away. They get drunk, pick fights, say mean things to your family, yell at the kids, and don't participate. Don't react. Have a great Christmas while he wallows around in that puddle of pathology.
You know one of the things we found out in our research? You ladies tested unbelievably high in 'sentimentality'. What are the holidays all about? SENTIMENT! If your sentiment is on caffeine, what do you think it will do? Be restrained or have a knee jerk reaction because all that sentiment is coursing through your veins?
One slip up now could cost you a year of trying to get rid of him again. Call a support person and tell them you VOW to them not to have contact this season. Then make plans to fill up your time so it's not even a possibility.
I have 'lectured' our readers about loneliness because this 4 inch stack on research sitting on my desk that you ladies filled out, tells me that you lapse and lapse and lapse again when you feel lonely. Holidays induce loneliness, so plan ahead and safe guard. "I was lonely is not an excuse for starting something that will once again destroy your life!"
Instead, do something wonderful with your kids. Get outside, take a walk, go to a movie with friends, do some scrapbooking, get some of our books to read, go to a nursing home and visit someone! Sit in a chapel alone and count blessings, walk your dog more, go to the gym! Do anything except have a knee jerk reaction to your excessive sentimentality gene!!
I am so passionate about this subject and concerned for your well being this holiday that I have made an mp3 message for you. To listen to my 15 min broadcast about protecting yourself this holiday season from relapse and hook ups, click here:
http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/audio/Christmas2010Message.mp3
Monday, November 21, 2011
How Not to Go Back/Hook Up During the Holidays
Here's a secret: "Even if you go back, you're still alone. You've been alone the entire time because by nature of their disorder, they can't be there for you. So you're alone--now, in the holidays, or with them. With them, you have more drama, damage and danger. Your choice...."
People relapse and go back into relationships more from Thanksgiving through Valentine's Day than any other time of the year. Why? So many great holidays to fake it in! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, V-Day....then PHOOEY!
You're out. Why not be out now and stay out and save face. You're not fooling anyone...not yourself, them, or your family and friends.
Holidays are extremely stressful times. It's a time when it is more likely:
People put extraordinary pressure on themselves thinking their lives 'should be' the picture postcards and old movies we watch this time of year. You can't make a 'picture postcard memory with a psychopath or a narcissist!'
Here's a mantra to say out loud for you "I'm pretending that staying/going back with a psychopath/narcissist will make my holidays better." Pretty ridiculous thought, isn't it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing out loud. It takes all the romanticization and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in your face.
"I want to be with a psychopath/narcissist for the holiday." Say that three times to yourself out loud....
NO!! That's not what you want. That's what you GOT. You want to be with a nice man/woman/person for the holidays.
As you VERY well know, they're not it.
"I want to share my special holidays with my special psychopath." ??? Nope. That's not it either. But that's what's going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It's OK to be by yourself for the holidays. It sure beats pathology as a gift.
Here's a real gift for you--some tips!
TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY
~ Stop idealizing--you are who you are, it is what it is. If your family isn't perfect, they certainly WON'T be during the season. In fact, everyone acts WORSE during the holidays. It is the peak of dysfunction. Accept yourself and others for who they are.
~ Don't feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word 'No' is a complete sentence.
~ Take quiet time during the season or you'll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now--some bubble bath and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself. Light a candle; find 5 things to be grateful for. Repeat often.
~ Take same-sex friends to parties and don't feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don't want to go with. People end up in the worse binds of going to parties with others and get stuck in relationships they don't want to be in because of it. Find a few other friends who are willing to be 'party partners' during the holidays.
~ Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, and buy toys for kids.
~ Find time for spiritual reflection. It's the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a service, pray, meditate, reflect.
~ Pick ONE growth oriented issue you'd like to focus on for 2011 and begin cultivating it in your mind--look for resources you can use to kick start your own growth on January 1.
~ Plant joy--in yourself, in your life and in others.
I am so passionate about this subject and concerned for your well being this holiday that I have made an mp3 message for you. To listen to my 15 min broadcast about protecting yourself this holiday season from relapse and hook ups, click here:
http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/audio/Christmas2010Message.mp3
People relapse and go back into relationships more from Thanksgiving through Valentine's Day than any other time of the year. Why? So many great holidays to fake it in! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, V-Day....then PHOOEY!
You're out. Why not be out now and stay out and save face. You're not fooling anyone...not yourself, them, or your family and friends.
Holidays are extremely stressful times. It's a time when it is more likely:
- For domestic violence to occur
- For dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional
- People drink more
- People binge eat because of the stress
- Some feel pressured to 'be in a relationship' during the holidays and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons to 'just get through the holidays'
- To overspend
- To not get enough rest
People put extraordinary pressure on themselves thinking their lives 'should be' the picture postcards and old movies we watch this time of year. You can't make a 'picture postcard memory with a psychopath or a narcissist!'
Here's a mantra to say out loud for you "I'm pretending that staying/going back with a psychopath/narcissist will make my holidays better." Pretty ridiculous thought, isn't it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing out loud. It takes all the romanticization and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in your face.
"I want to be with a psychopath/narcissist for the holiday." Say that three times to yourself out loud....
NO!! That's not what you want. That's what you GOT. You want to be with a nice man/woman/person for the holidays.
As you VERY well know, they're not it.
"I want to share my special holidays with my special psychopath." ??? Nope. That's not it either. But that's what's going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It's OK to be by yourself for the holidays. It sure beats pathology as a gift.
Here's a real gift for you--some tips!
TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY
~ Stop idealizing--you are who you are, it is what it is. If your family isn't perfect, they certainly WON'T be during the season. In fact, everyone acts WORSE during the holidays. It is the peak of dysfunction. Accept yourself and others for who they are.
~ Don't feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word 'No' is a complete sentence.
~ Take quiet time during the season or you'll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now--some bubble bath and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself. Light a candle; find 5 things to be grateful for. Repeat often.
~ Take same-sex friends to parties and don't feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don't want to go with. People end up in the worse binds of going to parties with others and get stuck in relationships they don't want to be in because of it. Find a few other friends who are willing to be 'party partners' during the holidays.
~ Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, and buy toys for kids.
~ Find time for spiritual reflection. It's the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a service, pray, meditate, reflect.
~ Pick ONE growth oriented issue you'd like to focus on for 2011 and begin cultivating it in your mind--look for resources you can use to kick start your own growth on January 1.
~ Plant joy--in yourself, in your life and in others.
I am so passionate about this subject and concerned for your well being this holiday that I have made an mp3 message for you. To listen to my 15 min broadcast about protecting yourself this holiday season from relapse and hook ups, click here:
http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/audio/Christmas2010Message.mp3
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Pathological Systems: A Look at Penn State
The nation is aghast at the Penn State rape and cover up of the repeated assaults of young boys over a 15 year period. This case reminds us that even the most loved of places, those with the best of reputations, can have pathology coursing in its veins and leadership.
Jerry Sandusky a former coach is charged with sexual abuse of eight boys (and more victims stepping forward are expected). Tallying it all up currently includes
40 counts; 21 of them are felonies spanning 15 years of abuse having gained access to them through The Second Mile, a youth foundation he started ‘to help kids’. (Am sure the sexually abused children are saying ‘Gee thanks for that help.’)
Each of the 21 felonies carries 7-20 years and $15-25k fine with 19 misdemeanors carrying 2-5 years and $5-10k fine. Needless to say, the court rightfully so, finds the abuse allegations to be extensive. We can only guess how many rapes that accounts for over a 15 year span…and how many victims.
Mike McQueary, assistant foot ball coach witnessed at least one of the rapes in 2002 during which he watched, did not stop it, and did not immediately report it to law enforcement including campus police.
He did however pass the buck for reporting the rape by telling head coach Joe Paterno who also did not report to police, including campus police. A 23 page grand jury report said Paterno was told in 2002 about the sexual assault against an approximately aged 10 year old boy in the shower at the university.
McQueary also passed the buck to Tim Curley, the athletic director and Gary Schultz the Senior Vice President (whose duties included the oversight of the university police) about the assault, none of whom also made the mandated child protective reports and reports to law enforcement.
Paterno’s defense to what he did not report was that McQueary was ‘distraught but didn’t tell me specific actions that occurred.’ There is no evidence that Paterno followed up to find what specific actions had occurred, or turned over the alleged ‘distraught’ concerns to child protective services or campus law enforcement.
All citizens are considered to be mandated reporters in child abuse cases and certainly university staffs are trained in reporting protocols for both the university and the state since they work with students. However, none of those protocols were followed and none of the mandatory reporting laws seemed to be applicable to them. You do not have to prove child abuse—you simply have to have a suspicion of abuse and then you are mandated to report. Child protection services and law enforcement will take it from there.
A naked adult with a naked child is not a suspicion. That is a crime and a fact that is mandated, not only legally but ethically and morally.
Mike McQueary did not follow up checking with police or campus police to make sure Paterno, Curley or Schultz actually filed a report. While it is appropriate that he told others, it is not enough. The law is not ‘tell your boss and walk away’. It’s that you report. Whatever you do after that for ‘on the job’ notification to your superiors is separate and distinct from reporting. University staff is always trained in abuse protocols. It’s not that they didn’t know what they were supposed to do.
While being labeled as a ‘whistle blower’ about the university might be uncomfortable and a motivation for not reporting directly to law enforcement, it is not nearly as uncomfortable as being raped and scarred for life. It’s not nearly as uncomfortable as a child who knows you saw what happened to them in a shower and did not help them…in the moment or later.
Ramifications? Being labeled as a whistle blower, or being fired for covering it up—I mean ‘really?’ are we comparing those consequences with those of eight little boys whose lives were ruined from adults looking the other way. A job is equal to a rape in terms of ramifications? It was hid to save their jobs?
Let’s count here….
1. Sandusky never confessed to what he had done to save himself from jail and keep a job. Considering he’s a pedophile, not many were expecting him to have insight about how his behaviors were destroying someone else.
McQueary, a flicker of conscience…not in the middle of the rape, not even that evening as he went to bed…but the next day and a couple more notifications to others but not pushing the envelope enough to ask his superiors if they did something about his suspicions. Not wanting to incur the wrath of employers? Not wanting to seem outside of the good ol boy’s club that anything goes….job protection.
Curly never reported suspicions of abuse.
Schultz as a Senior Vice President and who oversaw campus police never reported suspicions of abuse.
Who does that? Who places employment before anal penetration? Who places their foot ball ego in front of oral rape? Who shows up year after year for work walking passed the showers where innocence was lost? Who oversees campus police and doesn’t make a report of suspicions? What kind of pathology does that?
But instead, this moment of looking at not only individual pathology but corporate pathology is being lost. Instead of looking at the kinds of symptoms pathology perpetrates in the individual and in systems, we are instead hyper-empathically focused on micro issues: The ‘conflicted’ pedophile, the social psychology of why others look on and do nothing, the severe motivation of job loss at high levels, how well loved a coach is as evidence of guilt or innocence.
We miss seeing that when pathologicals are at the head guiding the system, they are making deep psychological imprints of their own pathological world views projected like a cult-reality on the screen of other’s psyches. That’s it not just an individual that can be sick, its entire systems that are guided by pathological and psychopathic belief systems. (Anyone ever read Snakes in Suits by the world’s leading expert in white collar psychopathic behavior, Dr. Robert Hare?)
It took a system, not just an individual, to cover up 15 years of rape. It took the camaraderie of people who collectively had reduced empathy and conscience to hide the fact that little boys were penetrated, and kids were trafficked to psychopathic benefactors. Now there are allegations that the rape and assault of little boys were used as perks to pedophile benefactors. It’s called human trafficking.
This did not happen in a vacuum as most trafficking, extended abuse, and cover up normally doesn’t. It takes individual and corporate pathology to create an environment of longevity and invisibility to perpetrate 15 years of rape. It takes pathology on many levels from being the pedophile to being a silent accessory to the crime to allow over a decade of soul destroying abuse in a psychopathic fraternity of football narcissism.
Systemic pathology has been seen through the years in the church, in the military, in the white house, in the FBI---in any large system. How did thousands come to believe that the holocaust was the right thing to do? It happened when one pathological in a system created a systemic belief system and brought into that system at high management levels other persons whose own pathology shared the basic core belief systems and those beliefs found their home and their spark with the pathological leader.
Think all of the players are not likely pathological? Want to split hairs about which Cluster B diagnosis they are likely to fall into and our inability to really diagnosis someone if they aren’t in front of us? I don’t. You can see from this case what happens when someone does not have enough empathy, enough insight into how their behavior affects others, enough guilt, enough conscience, or enough remorse. Whether the perps and accessories are cleanly in the ranges of secure diagnosis really doesn’t matter because even reduced amounts of these traits-of-humanity have caused pathological results in the lives of children. Here is an example when a Cluster B is really a Cluster F for everyone in their paths.
Pathology In Systems
The Psychopathic Checklist helps us view elements of pathology that can perhaps help us to expand the view to see pathology active not in just a person but in a system. I have check marked those that I think we can apply to the pathological belief system of the department/portions of departments that were involved. (Below is the Psychopathy Checklist- Revised created by Dr. Robert Hare).
Out of 21 items, 13 items if applied to the pathological system can be viewed checked off in the above list. That’s 65%.
Perpetration of Pathology By Non-Recognition
Hoping that the mental health system is going to jump in here and help with public pathology education? The perpetration of pathology invisibility is highly related to the lack of pathology education even within the mental health field. The inability to spot pathology in others, and certainly as we can see, the inability to spot it in systems, has kept the mental health field largely another system unable to identify it.
To the mental health field’s defense, Robert Hare (world’s psychopathy expert) calls these disorders the ‘disorders of social hiding.’ That is, they look normal in the context of their setting (especially when sprinkled in with more pathology that camouflages glaring overt ness in any single one person). The more successful, wealthy, or well-liked one is, the less likely they are to be noticed as pathological. Mix it with the hyper-empathy and positive psychology approach of some clinicians and you have all the Kum-By-Yah’ness behind which pathology never gets pointed out and none of the forensic attunement that might help others learn from these examples of pathology.
My case in point, having started a discussion on several professional therapist forums, these are the responses that clue us in to whether the mental health field will lead us in the much needed public pathology education awareness field….
My posting was “Calling everyone who understand pathology: Do not let the Penn State teaching moment be lost in translation in words that do not teach pathology in action. This is not merely 'abuse' -- this is pathology in both those who did it and those who hide it. Who Does That? Help other see the Cluster B disorders in action. Use the real language!’
The responses were:
“I take exception to the use of Penn State being a teachable moment. It’s is my alma mater…1 football coach does not define the entire institution.”
“IMO the abuser is less guilty than those who covered up.”
“Perhaps we should discuss why people who knew did not act appropriately. What about these crimes (rapes) shut them down morally. Is something like this too overwhelming for the average person to deal with, thus they shut down?”
“As professionals we owe our clients to explore their case in all it's uniqueness and individuality….Why does this client have the craving for this abnormal sexual fondness of children?... we remain a blank screen on which the client can write the story of his life. As a professional I can see myself having empathy even with a pedophile… as for myself I am extremely disgusted with the persecutor and his helpers. “
“The DSM can diagnose and predict and structure, but can not understand an individual's core conflict. This work can only be done one session at a time with compassion and lots if patience with our support as a holding environment.”
“I agree that this is definitely a teachable moment for our students. If we talk about a possible diagnosis with the goal of building compassion, then I can get on board with that.”
In those statements is very little pathological identification (outside of pedophilia) especially in the accessories to the crime. While many of those accessories who turned a blind eye to the rapes are likely to be legally and criminally considered accessories to the crime, few of us are holding them to the same standard. We are interested in understanding them, not insulting an institution because someone attended there and seems to think this is a case about one coach and not all the other accessories—we are more interested in extending patience, support, compassion for the child rapist and accessories.
I don’t see much interest in the world at large for exposing pathology for what it is so others can identify it in the future. If we don’t learn from what we have experienced, how do we bring that experience to light? I see little help in understanding pathology in corporate constructs or bilateral distribution of the crime of not reporting. Instead, the public outcry as witnessed on campus is a snapshot of the social investment to a perception—that there was one pedophile and that’s the end of the story.
From whom shall we look to understand personal and corporate pathology? Where shall our public pathology education come from?
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Jerry Sandusky a former coach is charged with sexual abuse of eight boys (and more victims stepping forward are expected). Tallying it all up currently includes
40 counts; 21 of them are felonies spanning 15 years of abuse having gained access to them through The Second Mile, a youth foundation he started ‘to help kids’. (Am sure the sexually abused children are saying ‘Gee thanks for that help.’)
Each of the 21 felonies carries 7-20 years and $15-25k fine with 19 misdemeanors carrying 2-5 years and $5-10k fine. Needless to say, the court rightfully so, finds the abuse allegations to be extensive. We can only guess how many rapes that accounts for over a 15 year span…and how many victims.
Mike McQueary, assistant foot ball coach witnessed at least one of the rapes in 2002 during which he watched, did not stop it, and did not immediately report it to law enforcement including campus police.
He did however pass the buck for reporting the rape by telling head coach Joe Paterno who also did not report to police, including campus police. A 23 page grand jury report said Paterno was told in 2002 about the sexual assault against an approximately aged 10 year old boy in the shower at the university.
McQueary also passed the buck to Tim Curley, the athletic director and Gary Schultz the Senior Vice President (whose duties included the oversight of the university police) about the assault, none of whom also made the mandated child protective reports and reports to law enforcement.
Paterno’s defense to what he did not report was that McQueary was ‘distraught but didn’t tell me specific actions that occurred.’ There is no evidence that Paterno followed up to find what specific actions had occurred, or turned over the alleged ‘distraught’ concerns to child protective services or campus law enforcement.
All citizens are considered to be mandated reporters in child abuse cases and certainly university staffs are trained in reporting protocols for both the university and the state since they work with students. However, none of those protocols were followed and none of the mandatory reporting laws seemed to be applicable to them. You do not have to prove child abuse—you simply have to have a suspicion of abuse and then you are mandated to report. Child protection services and law enforcement will take it from there.
A naked adult with a naked child is not a suspicion. That is a crime and a fact that is mandated, not only legally but ethically and morally.
Mike McQueary did not follow up checking with police or campus police to make sure Paterno, Curley or Schultz actually filed a report. While it is appropriate that he told others, it is not enough. The law is not ‘tell your boss and walk away’. It’s that you report. Whatever you do after that for ‘on the job’ notification to your superiors is separate and distinct from reporting. University staff is always trained in abuse protocols. It’s not that they didn’t know what they were supposed to do.
While being labeled as a ‘whistle blower’ about the university might be uncomfortable and a motivation for not reporting directly to law enforcement, it is not nearly as uncomfortable as being raped and scarred for life. It’s not nearly as uncomfortable as a child who knows you saw what happened to them in a shower and did not help them…in the moment or later.
Ramifications? Being labeled as a whistle blower, or being fired for covering it up—I mean ‘really?’ are we comparing those consequences with those of eight little boys whose lives were ruined from adults looking the other way. A job is equal to a rape in terms of ramifications? It was hid to save their jobs?
Let’s count here….
1. Sandusky never confessed to what he had done to save himself from jail and keep a job. Considering he’s a pedophile, not many were expecting him to have insight about how his behaviors were destroying someone else.
McQueary, a flicker of conscience…not in the middle of the rape, not even that evening as he went to bed…but the next day and a couple more notifications to others but not pushing the envelope enough to ask his superiors if they did something about his suspicions. Not wanting to incur the wrath of employers? Not wanting to seem outside of the good ol boy’s club that anything goes….job protection.
Curly never reported suspicions of abuse.
Schultz as a Senior Vice President and who oversaw campus police never reported suspicions of abuse.
Who does that? Who places employment before anal penetration? Who places their foot ball ego in front of oral rape? Who shows up year after year for work walking passed the showers where innocence was lost? Who oversees campus police and doesn’t make a report of suspicions? What kind of pathology does that?
But instead, this moment of looking at not only individual pathology but corporate pathology is being lost. Instead of looking at the kinds of symptoms pathology perpetrates in the individual and in systems, we are instead hyper-empathically focused on micro issues: The ‘conflicted’ pedophile, the social psychology of why others look on and do nothing, the severe motivation of job loss at high levels, how well loved a coach is as evidence of guilt or innocence.
We miss seeing that when pathologicals are at the head guiding the system, they are making deep psychological imprints of their own pathological world views projected like a cult-reality on the screen of other’s psyches. That’s it not just an individual that can be sick, its entire systems that are guided by pathological and psychopathic belief systems. (Anyone ever read Snakes in Suits by the world’s leading expert in white collar psychopathic behavior, Dr. Robert Hare?)
It took a system, not just an individual, to cover up 15 years of rape. It took the camaraderie of people who collectively had reduced empathy and conscience to hide the fact that little boys were penetrated, and kids were trafficked to psychopathic benefactors. Now there are allegations that the rape and assault of little boys were used as perks to pedophile benefactors. It’s called human trafficking.
This did not happen in a vacuum as most trafficking, extended abuse, and cover up normally doesn’t. It takes individual and corporate pathology to create an environment of longevity and invisibility to perpetrate 15 years of rape. It takes pathology on many levels from being the pedophile to being a silent accessory to the crime to allow over a decade of soul destroying abuse in a psychopathic fraternity of football narcissism.
Systemic pathology has been seen through the years in the church, in the military, in the white house, in the FBI---in any large system. How did thousands come to believe that the holocaust was the right thing to do? It happened when one pathological in a system created a systemic belief system and brought into that system at high management levels other persons whose own pathology shared the basic core belief systems and those beliefs found their home and their spark with the pathological leader.
Think all of the players are not likely pathological? Want to split hairs about which Cluster B diagnosis they are likely to fall into and our inability to really diagnosis someone if they aren’t in front of us? I don’t. You can see from this case what happens when someone does not have enough empathy, enough insight into how their behavior affects others, enough guilt, enough conscience, or enough remorse. Whether the perps and accessories are cleanly in the ranges of secure diagnosis really doesn’t matter because even reduced amounts of these traits-of-humanity have caused pathological results in the lives of children. Here is an example when a Cluster B is really a Cluster F for everyone in their paths.
Pathology In Systems
The Psychopathic Checklist helps us view elements of pathology that can perhaps help us to expand the view to see pathology active not in just a person but in a system. I have check marked those that I think we can apply to the pathological belief system of the department/portions of departments that were involved. (Below is the Psychopathy Checklist- Revised created by Dr. Robert Hare).
- Glibness/superficial charm (at least applicable to the charm and support and near-riots of the followers of Paterno).
- Grandiose sense of self-worth (entitled to not follow the mandated reporting laws of child abuse)
- Pathological lying
- Cunning/manipulative (the years this has continued is a tribute to cunning ability to hide it and/or manipulate others into not telling)
- Lack of remorse or guilt
- Shallow affect (genuine emotion is short-lived and egocentric) (unable to determine)
- Callousness; lack of empathy
- Failure to accept responsibility for own actions
- Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom (unable to determine)
- Parasitic lifestyle (perhaps within a systems model type of approach)
- Poor behavioral control
- Lack of realistic long-term goals (lack of realistic long term outcomes of suppressing child abuse)
- Impulsivity
- Irresponsibility
- Juvenile delinquency
- Early behavior problems
- Revocation of conditional release
- Promiscuous sexual behavior
- Many short-term marital relationships
- Criminal versatility (lots of versatility displayed)
- Acquired behavioral sociopathy/sociological conditioning (Item 21: a newly identified trait i.e. a person relying on sociological strategies and tricks to deceive) (developed within the context of a pathological system and leader).
Out of 21 items, 13 items if applied to the pathological system can be viewed checked off in the above list. That’s 65%.
Perpetration of Pathology By Non-Recognition
Hoping that the mental health system is going to jump in here and help with public pathology education? The perpetration of pathology invisibility is highly related to the lack of pathology education even within the mental health field. The inability to spot pathology in others, and certainly as we can see, the inability to spot it in systems, has kept the mental health field largely another system unable to identify it.
To the mental health field’s defense, Robert Hare (world’s psychopathy expert) calls these disorders the ‘disorders of social hiding.’ That is, they look normal in the context of their setting (especially when sprinkled in with more pathology that camouflages glaring overt ness in any single one person). The more successful, wealthy, or well-liked one is, the less likely they are to be noticed as pathological. Mix it with the hyper-empathy and positive psychology approach of some clinicians and you have all the Kum-By-Yah’ness behind which pathology never gets pointed out and none of the forensic attunement that might help others learn from these examples of pathology.
My case in point, having started a discussion on several professional therapist forums, these are the responses that clue us in to whether the mental health field will lead us in the much needed public pathology education awareness field….
My posting was “Calling everyone who understand pathology: Do not let the Penn State teaching moment be lost in translation in words that do not teach pathology in action. This is not merely 'abuse' -- this is pathology in both those who did it and those who hide it. Who Does That? Help other see the Cluster B disorders in action. Use the real language!’
The responses were:
“I take exception to the use of Penn State being a teachable moment. It’s is my alma mater…1 football coach does not define the entire institution.”
“IMO the abuser is less guilty than those who covered up.”
“Perhaps we should discuss why people who knew did not act appropriately. What about these crimes (rapes) shut them down morally. Is something like this too overwhelming for the average person to deal with, thus they shut down?”
“As professionals we owe our clients to explore their case in all it's uniqueness and individuality….Why does this client have the craving for this abnormal sexual fondness of children?... we remain a blank screen on which the client can write the story of his life. As a professional I can see myself having empathy even with a pedophile… as for myself I am extremely disgusted with the persecutor and his helpers. “
“The DSM can diagnose and predict and structure, but can not understand an individual's core conflict. This work can only be done one session at a time with compassion and lots if patience with our support as a holding environment.”
“I agree that this is definitely a teachable moment for our students. If we talk about a possible diagnosis with the goal of building compassion, then I can get on board with that.”
In those statements is very little pathological identification (outside of pedophilia) especially in the accessories to the crime. While many of those accessories who turned a blind eye to the rapes are likely to be legally and criminally considered accessories to the crime, few of us are holding them to the same standard. We are interested in understanding them, not insulting an institution because someone attended there and seems to think this is a case about one coach and not all the other accessories—we are more interested in extending patience, support, compassion for the child rapist and accessories.
I don’t see much interest in the world at large for exposing pathology for what it is so others can identify it in the future. If we don’t learn from what we have experienced, how do we bring that experience to light? I see little help in understanding pathology in corporate constructs or bilateral distribution of the crime of not reporting. Instead, the public outcry as witnessed on campus is a snapshot of the social investment to a perception—that there was one pedophile and that’s the end of the story.
From whom shall we look to understand personal and corporate pathology? Where shall our public pathology education come from?
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I’m Not What You Say I Am-by Jennifer Young, M.S.
“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.” ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Life isn’t all about appearances. Life is about movement, awareness, insight, change, compassion. Life is about interactions with others. As we move through the world we move through it together. Whether we accept it or not we impact each other. Conversely, we are impacted by others. Our impact on others is often a concern…it is a part of our conscious awareness. We wonder (and sometimes obsess) about how others regard us. Alfred Adler describes this trait of how people regard us in terms of “social interest," our ability or potential for living “cooperatively and contributing to the good of others." We learn to adopt this trait early on the playground. As children we were taught to be aware of others feelings and to be nice to others. We learned that words do hurt (in spite of the childhood lesson regarding sticks and stones!) We learned lessons like “make a good first impression” and “do unto others…” All of these childhood (and adult) lessons teach us that what others think is important. Now, this isn’t all bad. Considering we are social creatures and knowing that we impact each other, it is pretty important to be concerned with how other people regard us. Possessing this trait means that we have compassion and empathy…it means that we want to play well with others. But this trait, like all the others in excess, can be dangerous. It can be especially dangerous for someone who finds their way to a playground with a psychopath.
Herein lies the risk: Psychopaths lack concern for others...real, empathetic concern. They can fake it well, but deep down they move through the world not concerned about their impact, but concerned about having control and power. So, being concerned about how other people regard them is twisted. It isn’t so much about positive regard as it is negative regard…they want people to believe they are in control, powerful, smart, and likeable, etc. They want to cover up who they really are…manipulative, dangerous, callous, superficial, glib, and controlling. (Writing those words reminds me why they HAVE to develop a mask…it would be hard to spend two minutes with someone if we saw those traits). So, they move through the world, mask firmly in place…covering who they are with what they want you to believe.
For the woman in a relationship with a psychopath it’s the trait of how people regard you that keeps you stuck. You are concerned with the feelings of others, you are concerned about your impact on other people (and a psychopath will remind you all day about your impact on him!) As long as you believe you are having a negative impact…you will stay until your impact becomes positive. Sad part is…it never does. He knows you need to be seen as kind, compassionate, loyal and honest and he also knows that you don’t give up. So as long as he can make you believe your impact is negative…then give you a glimmer of hope that he can change…he’s got you. You stay because you must be seen by him and others as having a positive impact…a high concern for how others regard you. This concept works well in all other areas of your life, but with a psychopath it’s the thing that puts you at risk and the thing that keeps you there.
Herein lies the benefit: When you realize that he cannot change…you’re out. When you fully and completely come to believe that he is only motivated by power and control, you know that it is no longer about what he thinks or how he sees you…in fact, this flips. You begin to realize that he sees you as a sucker. He has used everything good about you to fill up his empty cup. He has taken what is good and right and manipulated it (and you) for his own agenda. You also realize that he is not only hurting you but he is having a negative impact on others…most likely people you care about. Knowing this becomes your strength…it becomes the fuel to the fire that burns the relationship to ruin…you will not play with others who have no regard. Think about it…would you allow an employee, client, friend, your child to manipulate your good nature this way…not a chance. You’re out. No more playing with a psychopath; time to take your toys and go home.
So, when all is said and done you have way too much concern for how other people regard you, and in the context of a pathological relationship that is really, really dangerous. So, how do you put a lid on that trait? First, be concerned about this trait only when it comes to your pathological. Chances are this trait has served you well in other areas of your life…so don’t be overwhelmed with having to “change” everything about you. This trait is appealing to psychopaths, so just put a lid on it in the context of your relationship. Next, be aware of your thoughts and actions when he persecutes you…when he calls you stupid or crazy, calls you irresponsible and uncaring, attacks your skills as a mother or tells you that you are being “mean." When he does this he is seeking to control you through this trait. HE IS CONTROLLING YOU THROUGH YOUR TRAIT. Allow this thought to come into your awareness and then challenge it. Who is doing this??? A psychopath. Allow the truth to come into your awareness and you will be compelled to accept it. Additionally, with that knowledge you can counter any thought with a true thought. You might begin to remind yourself that what he says about you is part of his mask…part of the fantasy that he is creating to keep you in the relationship…fantasy is not reality. You know who you are…and you are not who he says you are!
The PLR Support Group is closed for open enrollment at this time and it will re-open at the end of December for the next group starting in January, 2012.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Recovery With Out Justice
At the heart of the victims rights movement I was involved in during the 1980's after my father's murder, was the concept of judicial justice that would lead to psychological justice. It's a great concept and in a perfect world it would work in all situations. If the pathological person wronged you (physically hurt, conned out of money, had screwed up custody situations, infidelity, spiritual abuse, etc.), he would be held accountable in the courts for his behavior, and more importantly, would be forced into victim restitution in which he would have to repay or do something as a sign of his guilt and your pain.
Of course, restitution in and of itself really doesn't heal anything. It's just the victim or person who was harmed feels like the scales of justice, that were so grossly leaning in his direction, got balanced into their direction. For a moment in court, and however long it takes him to pay or do the restitution, he is officially 'guilty' and everyone knows he was charged as such. He is 'paying his price to his victim' for his actions. For a moment in court, a judge believes you! He believes the monster really did what you say he did. That in and of itself is often the psychological justice that victims really look for and it helps them to heal.
In murder trials that I often attended, obviously the family cannot be compensated in any true way that relieves their pain and suffering. Their loved one was murdered. No amount of restitution touches a human life. The best the family can hope for is physical payment, prison, the death sentence, or some other act that the court assigns for the monster to the victim's family.
The judicial system acts as the conscience of this country. Victims seek solace in the courtroom and chambers hoping that justice will alleviate the pain, horror, and stigmatization of being a victim of the monster. But we know that in many cases, and I dare say, in most cases, that is not what happens. Restraining orders are not granted, arrests are not performed for stalking or violence, children are given over to the pathological who is overtly violent, sick, drug addicted, or otherwise an inept parent. When the pathological doesn't pay child support, nothing is done and the child is still sent to him. The thousands of dollars he conned out of you or stole from you is not returned. When alimony isn't paid, he gets away with it. Repeated visits to the courts do nothing to convince them, or to open their eyes to the true nature of his behaviors. Anything that is court ordered he defies and laughs at. You stand, mouth gapping and wondering, "Where is the justice? HOW does he get away with this?"
I have repeatedly said that the universe is strangely tilted to the benefit of the pathological. If ANYONE will get away with a con or a criminal act, it will be the pathological. The universal scales of justice are tilted in their favor and ironically, somehow influence the judicial scales of justice. In the 20 years of doing this work, I have seen them literally get away with murder, rape, embezzlement, breaking and entering, stalking, domestic violence, child abuse, and more. This ranks as the Eighth Wonder of the World—how pathological people can con their way out of the most vicious deeds and often never pay in any way for their behavior.
In these cases, women's hopes for justice are dashed and it negatively impacts their psychological healing. The scales of justice will never be balanced—she is not vindicated in the way that helps her to heal. Even if he is found guilty of something, he is rarely ever held to the standard of the law it's connected to. If he is supposed to pay a fine, he doesn't. If he is supposed to go to jail or prison, it's postponed or overturned. If custody is denied, he receives it by another judge. If he embezzled, it's forgiven in exchange for an admission of guilt.
Victim's rights and its connection to judicial and psychological justice will not get played out often in pathological relationships. The psychological justice that the victim is counting on in order to validate her—her moment in which the conscience of this country believes her-- doesn't happen. Since we understand that psychological justice is what is most likely to help victim's heal, now what?
Sternly, I tell victims of pathological relationships that they sometimes must recover without justice. We are not discussing 'what is fair', because the pathological has already skirted the issue of 'fairness.' He doesn't live with the concept of fairness and the law doesn't use it as a concept with him. If you desire to recover, heal and move forward with your life, it will require that you might just have to recover without judicial justice, without victim restitution, and without the conscience of this country validating your story.
You have to recover without a second of judicial support. Women who hinge recovery on judicial justice, waiting for her day in court or 'when he gets what's coming to him', will never recover. The universe is tilted in his favor and your own recovery must be a daring adventure in the face of a lack of victim's rights. Sometimes the only personal justice is recovering and living a great life. What he had done to you doesn't define you, hold you down, or stop you from succeeding in your own spiritual outlook.
In the end, the only thing you really have control over is how you choose to see your situation. If you see it as a victim and are unable to move past that view, you won't recover. If you see it as horrible things that happened to you but don't define or restrain you, you will move forward—with or without justice.
The unfair situation is what you have lived through and the ‘aftermath’ of the effects of the pathological relationship. In the face of this grossly dehumanizing experience is the indomitable ability to recover that can guide you not only to survive, but also to thrive in the face of great pain. I have every confidence you can heal, even without justice. Let us know if we can help you do that.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
Of course, restitution in and of itself really doesn't heal anything. It's just the victim or person who was harmed feels like the scales of justice, that were so grossly leaning in his direction, got balanced into their direction. For a moment in court, and however long it takes him to pay or do the restitution, he is officially 'guilty' and everyone knows he was charged as such. He is 'paying his price to his victim' for his actions. For a moment in court, a judge believes you! He believes the monster really did what you say he did. That in and of itself is often the psychological justice that victims really look for and it helps them to heal.
In murder trials that I often attended, obviously the family cannot be compensated in any true way that relieves their pain and suffering. Their loved one was murdered. No amount of restitution touches a human life. The best the family can hope for is physical payment, prison, the death sentence, or some other act that the court assigns for the monster to the victim's family.
The judicial system acts as the conscience of this country. Victims seek solace in the courtroom and chambers hoping that justice will alleviate the pain, horror, and stigmatization of being a victim of the monster. But we know that in many cases, and I dare say, in most cases, that is not what happens. Restraining orders are not granted, arrests are not performed for stalking or violence, children are given over to the pathological who is overtly violent, sick, drug addicted, or otherwise an inept parent. When the pathological doesn't pay child support, nothing is done and the child is still sent to him. The thousands of dollars he conned out of you or stole from you is not returned. When alimony isn't paid, he gets away with it. Repeated visits to the courts do nothing to convince them, or to open their eyes to the true nature of his behaviors. Anything that is court ordered he defies and laughs at. You stand, mouth gapping and wondering, "Where is the justice? HOW does he get away with this?"
I have repeatedly said that the universe is strangely tilted to the benefit of the pathological. If ANYONE will get away with a con or a criminal act, it will be the pathological. The universal scales of justice are tilted in their favor and ironically, somehow influence the judicial scales of justice. In the 20 years of doing this work, I have seen them literally get away with murder, rape, embezzlement, breaking and entering, stalking, domestic violence, child abuse, and more. This ranks as the Eighth Wonder of the World—how pathological people can con their way out of the most vicious deeds and often never pay in any way for their behavior.
In these cases, women's hopes for justice are dashed and it negatively impacts their psychological healing. The scales of justice will never be balanced—she is not vindicated in the way that helps her to heal. Even if he is found guilty of something, he is rarely ever held to the standard of the law it's connected to. If he is supposed to pay a fine, he doesn't. If he is supposed to go to jail or prison, it's postponed or overturned. If custody is denied, he receives it by another judge. If he embezzled, it's forgiven in exchange for an admission of guilt.
Victim's rights and its connection to judicial and psychological justice will not get played out often in pathological relationships. The psychological justice that the victim is counting on in order to validate her—her moment in which the conscience of this country believes her-- doesn't happen. Since we understand that psychological justice is what is most likely to help victim's heal, now what?
Sternly, I tell victims of pathological relationships that they sometimes must recover without justice. We are not discussing 'what is fair', because the pathological has already skirted the issue of 'fairness.' He doesn't live with the concept of fairness and the law doesn't use it as a concept with him. If you desire to recover, heal and move forward with your life, it will require that you might just have to recover without judicial justice, without victim restitution, and without the conscience of this country validating your story.
You have to recover without a second of judicial support. Women who hinge recovery on judicial justice, waiting for her day in court or 'when he gets what's coming to him', will never recover. The universe is tilted in his favor and your own recovery must be a daring adventure in the face of a lack of victim's rights. Sometimes the only personal justice is recovering and living a great life. What he had done to you doesn't define you, hold you down, or stop you from succeeding in your own spiritual outlook.
In the end, the only thing you really have control over is how you choose to see your situation. If you see it as a victim and are unable to move past that view, you won't recover. If you see it as horrible things that happened to you but don't define or restrain you, you will move forward—with or without justice.
The unfair situation is what you have lived through and the ‘aftermath’ of the effects of the pathological relationship. In the face of this grossly dehumanizing experience is the indomitable ability to recover that can guide you not only to survive, but also to thrive in the face of great pain. I have every confidence you can heal, even without justice. Let us know if we can help you do that.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
Monday, October 17, 2011
Remembering Our Roots
Joyce’s Brown’s Influence on The Pathological Love Relationship Recovery Process
This weekend marked the 4th death anniversary of an extraordinary visionary. Many of The Institute’s highly acclaimed purposes, products, and processes came from what Joyce lived through, talked about, and role modeled for others.
Joyce, like other leaders, did not set out to do anything extraordinary. She simply set out to heal after two back-to-back pathological relationships. First a 25 year relationship with a narcissist and then an upgrade to a sociopath for 10 years left Joyce in the typical emotional fetal position that is common of the aftermath of pathological relationships.
She went through the normal stages of pathology recovery asking,
“What just happened?”
“Did I do that?’
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Why am I so obsessed with this?”
“What’s wrong with me? Why am I attracted to men like that and what does it say about my life that I would end up in a relationship like that?”
Without the benefit of mental health therapy and with only the support of a few close friends (who were quickly becoming weary of the ongoing saga of ‘why’ her, why him, why he moved on quickly, and why he picked the new woman), Joyce managed to piece together not only a recovery, but some profound insights that changed the quality of her life forever.
By then, at age 60, it would have been easy to say she would not likely find love, or heal. It would have been even easier to get bitter, get revenge, get hyper focused on him and his latest antics, or get in a fetal position and stay there.
But remarkably, Joyce rose from the dirt she had been ground down into. Like the symbol of the Rising Phoenix she not only rose, she dug out every particle of dirt that could be transformed from crusted pain and milled it for life changing insight.
She didn’t keep these golden gems to herself—she talked to women about relationships wherever she was. Some of her approaches have trickled down to help other therapists work with women leaving pathological relationships.
Joyce believed women tended to drift sideways into pathological relationships looking for fun and excitement which actually pointed at what that woman needed in her life that would prevent her from taking just any old relationship.
“If you aren’t living a big enough life that is as big as your heart, or as big as your personality, or as big as your dreams, then any old psychopath will do.”
She poignantly asked herself “What is or is not going on in my own life that I would end up with a sociopath? Sure I didn’t know he was one, he said all the right things…but what could this possibly be pointing out to me about me, the condition of my own life, and what needs to happen so I don’t choose like this again?”
16 years later she had answered her own question:
In her 60’s she went to college for the first time, became a short term missionary, she started her life in the arts of painting, sculpting, and pottery, she moved to a one room beach house so she could ‘make up for lost time and play hard,’ drove a convertible Miata to feel the rush of adrenaline she no longer had because the sociopath was gone. In her 70’s she took up belly dancing to prove to herself she was still attractive, went to Paris to see handsome men so she knew she could still flirt, and got a motorcycle so she always had something hot to ride (!)—hey, I’m just quoting Joyce here. She became a hospital Chaplin to comfort the sick and fed the poor every week to give some of that hyper empathy away least it go to another psychopath. She sailed a Catamaran to the Bahamas to challenge her fear because she could not swim.
“A relationship is the icing on the cake. It is NOT the cake. Don’t confuse the necessity of living life to be the icing. Living life IS the cake. Anything else, including relationships, is just the icing.”
The Institute’s own Jennifer Young who does phone coaching and our tele-support group had this to say about Joyce’s impact on her and the women she helps, “Joyce Brown carries a big impact on my work with women. On her own she developed the innate ability to care for herself. That care translated into real solutions for disengagement from a pathological relationship. I believe the biggest, specific idea that has come from Joyce is the idea of ‘Not One More Minute”. I have shared this concept with many women who instantly feel the ability to disengage....not one more minute means I will not allow you to take one more minute of my energy, my love, my care, my compassion. It provides an end point...a point to say I'm done. This change in thinking, that I stop it, is crucial. It means that she has come to know and understand that he will not change, but I still can...and I will. So thanks to Joyce Brown for showing us the way to the end!”
At her death at age 76, she laid in a hospice bed only hours from death. I told her I wanted to toast her life. She said “Crank this bed up!” She fluffed her hair and with a glass of Jack Daniels in her hand, she said “I have had a great life. I lived, I learned how to have a great life, and I was loved. Who could ask for more?”
Her life lived well is what has impacted thousands of women worldwide and is the main thing women come away with who attended our retreats. Sadly, in this day and age, living a great life seems to be an extraordinary accomplishment. Her lecture on ‘Get a Great Life’ is what has spurred women on to not merely limp into recovery dragging their soul behind them. But to burst into recovery and fill their lives to the rim with all the things that her big personality needs in order to live fully. Lifeless living is what caused many women to seek the psychopath so full of energy that it seemed exciting and vibrant. Joyce said, “The problem is pointing to the solution. I loved the energy of those men! But what was that energy and why couldn’t I have it another way? Was a psychopath the only way for me to feel life?”
Joyce learned that vibrancy comes from a life that is full of the things that interest, motivate, support, and challenge HER. If she wasn’t living a big enough, interesting enough, motivational enough, supported enough, and challenged enough life….she would drift again into the arms of pathology to fill that space.
Feel how big YOU are and fill your own life with a great life!
From one of our readers, she wrote on Joyce’s Facebook Memorial:
“Thank you, dear lady, for your continued inspiration - a legacy you've left to many you never knew but who have come to love you for your feistiness, tenacity, grit and that wonderful sense of humor!”
To celebrate Joyce Brown during her death anniversary and the month of DV Awareness Month, we are giving you our MP3 down load called ‘Get a Great Life’ inspired from Joyce’s story for only $5! (Normally a $12 value).
To hear a sample clip from the audio, click HERE
OR to purchase for $5, click HERE
Get a great life and stop the cycle of pathology!
This weekend marked the 4th death anniversary of an extraordinary visionary. Many of The Institute’s highly acclaimed purposes, products, and processes came from what Joyce lived through, talked about, and role modeled for others.
Joyce, like other leaders, did not set out to do anything extraordinary. She simply set out to heal after two back-to-back pathological relationships. First a 25 year relationship with a narcissist and then an upgrade to a sociopath for 10 years left Joyce in the typical emotional fetal position that is common of the aftermath of pathological relationships.
She went through the normal stages of pathology recovery asking,
“What just happened?”
“Did I do that?’
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Why am I so obsessed with this?”
“What’s wrong with me? Why am I attracted to men like that and what does it say about my life that I would end up in a relationship like that?”
Without the benefit of mental health therapy and with only the support of a few close friends (who were quickly becoming weary of the ongoing saga of ‘why’ her, why him, why he moved on quickly, and why he picked the new woman), Joyce managed to piece together not only a recovery, but some profound insights that changed the quality of her life forever.
By then, at age 60, it would have been easy to say she would not likely find love, or heal. It would have been even easier to get bitter, get revenge, get hyper focused on him and his latest antics, or get in a fetal position and stay there.
But remarkably, Joyce rose from the dirt she had been ground down into. Like the symbol of the Rising Phoenix she not only rose, she dug out every particle of dirt that could be transformed from crusted pain and milled it for life changing insight.
She didn’t keep these golden gems to herself—she talked to women about relationships wherever she was. Some of her approaches have trickled down to help other therapists work with women leaving pathological relationships.
Joyce believed women tended to drift sideways into pathological relationships looking for fun and excitement which actually pointed at what that woman needed in her life that would prevent her from taking just any old relationship.
“If you aren’t living a big enough life that is as big as your heart, or as big as your personality, or as big as your dreams, then any old psychopath will do.”
She poignantly asked herself “What is or is not going on in my own life that I would end up with a sociopath? Sure I didn’t know he was one, he said all the right things…but what could this possibly be pointing out to me about me, the condition of my own life, and what needs to happen so I don’t choose like this again?”
16 years later she had answered her own question:
In her 60’s she went to college for the first time, became a short term missionary, she started her life in the arts of painting, sculpting, and pottery, she moved to a one room beach house so she could ‘make up for lost time and play hard,’ drove a convertible Miata to feel the rush of adrenaline she no longer had because the sociopath was gone. In her 70’s she took up belly dancing to prove to herself she was still attractive, went to Paris to see handsome men so she knew she could still flirt, and got a motorcycle so she always had something hot to ride (!)—hey, I’m just quoting Joyce here. She became a hospital Chaplin to comfort the sick and fed the poor every week to give some of that hyper empathy away least it go to another psychopath. She sailed a Catamaran to the Bahamas to challenge her fear because she could not swim.
“A relationship is the icing on the cake. It is NOT the cake. Don’t confuse the necessity of living life to be the icing. Living life IS the cake. Anything else, including relationships, is just the icing.”
The Institute’s own Jennifer Young who does phone coaching and our tele-support group had this to say about Joyce’s impact on her and the women she helps, “Joyce Brown carries a big impact on my work with women. On her own she developed the innate ability to care for herself. That care translated into real solutions for disengagement from a pathological relationship. I believe the biggest, specific idea that has come from Joyce is the idea of ‘Not One More Minute”. I have shared this concept with many women who instantly feel the ability to disengage....not one more minute means I will not allow you to take one more minute of my energy, my love, my care, my compassion. It provides an end point...a point to say I'm done. This change in thinking, that I stop it, is crucial. It means that she has come to know and understand that he will not change, but I still can...and I will. So thanks to Joyce Brown for showing us the way to the end!”
At her death at age 76, she laid in a hospice bed only hours from death. I told her I wanted to toast her life. She said “Crank this bed up!” She fluffed her hair and with a glass of Jack Daniels in her hand, she said “I have had a great life. I lived, I learned how to have a great life, and I was loved. Who could ask for more?”
Her life lived well is what has impacted thousands of women worldwide and is the main thing women come away with who attended our retreats. Sadly, in this day and age, living a great life seems to be an extraordinary accomplishment. Her lecture on ‘Get a Great Life’ is what has spurred women on to not merely limp into recovery dragging their soul behind them. But to burst into recovery and fill their lives to the rim with all the things that her big personality needs in order to live fully. Lifeless living is what caused many women to seek the psychopath so full of energy that it seemed exciting and vibrant. Joyce said, “The problem is pointing to the solution. I loved the energy of those men! But what was that energy and why couldn’t I have it another way? Was a psychopath the only way for me to feel life?”
Joyce learned that vibrancy comes from a life that is full of the things that interest, motivate, support, and challenge HER. If she wasn’t living a big enough, interesting enough, motivational enough, supported enough, and challenged enough life….she would drift again into the arms of pathology to fill that space.
Feel how big YOU are and fill your own life with a great life!
From one of our readers, she wrote on Joyce’s Facebook Memorial:
“Thank you, dear lady, for your continued inspiration - a legacy you've left to many you never knew but who have come to love you for your feistiness, tenacity, grit and that wonderful sense of humor!”
To celebrate Joyce Brown during her death anniversary and the month of DV Awareness Month, we are giving you our MP3 down load called ‘Get a Great Life’ inspired from Joyce’s story for only $5! (Normally a $12 value).
To hear a sample clip from the audio, click HERE
OR to purchase for $5, click HERE
Get a great life and stop the cycle of pathology!
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