“Stop Dragging My Heart Around”

“Stop Dragging My Heart Around” (Song by Tom Petty)

Women spend years and thousands of dollars trying to heal from dangerous men. If they are lucky, they only encounter one in their lifetimes. If they aren’t, there are many more. That’s because women haven’t really verbalized what they think constitutes a dangerous man. When I interviewed women, most of them thought the ONLY thing that made men dangerous was violence. If there was no violence, well then... he was probably ‘fixable’ in the long run.

For over 20 years I have been the not-so-silent witness to women’s choices. As a therapist, I counseled women whose childhoods included abuse and who grew up to be  adults who were abused. I watched adult women choose over and over again one version or another of a dangerous man. Often only the faces changed, but since there are many types of dangerous men, often women would move all over the continuum dating men from all categories.

The result was always the same:

·       They were miserable

·       “They were in pain”

·       They took a long time to heal, if ever

·       They often went on to do it all over again

Before we go any further, answer these questions:

1.  Do you believe a dangerous man will eventually be violent?

2.  Do you believe that, if you were hurt by a dangerous man in the past, you would be able to spot the next one and avoid him?

3.  Do you believe that dangerous men are notably gregarious, aggressive, narcissistic and abusive?

4.  Do you believe that something in your past has predisposed you to dating dangerous men?

If you answered ‘YES’ to any of the above, you are indeed at risk of dating one or more dangerous men.

The lack of a solid definition of what constitutes ‘dangerous’ for women is probably at the heart of what keeps us in these dangerous relationships. So let’s nail down what is dangerous.

The word danger means, “the state of being exposed to injury, pain, or loss.” Synonyms for the word include:

·       Hazard

·       Jeopardy

·       Peril

·       Risk

·       Menace

·       Threat

·       Emergency

Notice the word danger doesn’t merely mean, “when someone is violent toward you,” nor do the synonyms indicate this is strictly limited to violent behavior. Yet women let lots of men and their behavior off the hook simply because, “well, he never hit me so I didn’t feel like I could say he was abusive.”

Year after year my practice filled up with women who would never label or define the men in their lives. When asked if their men were dangerous, they would hem and haw around, looking for loopholes to say they weren’t dangerous, but not really knowing what dangerous was or how dangerous men behaved. Women are most at-risk for picking, marrying, and staying with dangerous men when they don’t have a concrete idea of what dangerous is like. The words listed above give good clues to what dangerous is like—injury, pain, loss, hazard, jeopardy, risk.

So let’s define that for you: A dangerous man is any man who harms a woman…

·       Emotionally

·       Physically

·       Sexually

·       Financially

·       Spiritually

This definition immediately broadens the field experience of dangerousness. It adds emotionally, financially and spiritually—three areas where women often let men off the hook from being labeled as ‘dangerous’ to a woman’s well-being.

We already determined that the word danger means ‘the state of being exposed to injury, pain, or loss.’ Simply being ‘exposed’ to the possibility of being injured, experiencing pain or going through loss IS dangerous to a woman’s mental health. Women often discount that merely the exposure to the possibility really constitutes ‘danger.’

Any exposure to dangerousness negatively affects a woman’s:

·       Self-esteem

·       Future relationships

·       Trust in others

·       Ability to disconnect and move on

…and inevitably leads to...

·       Fear

·       Anxiety

·       Depression

·       Intimacy issues

Some of the women who came into counseling had only one exposure to a dangerous man, and yet the after-effects warranted psychological counseling in order to heal. Other women had experienced multiple exposures to dangerous men, choosing one after another, because they did not spot the signs. They spent years in therapy.

Dangerous men are not just the psychopaths you see on the nightly news. A dangerous man is just as likely to be ‘the nice man at church,’ ‘the smooth boss at work,’ or ‘the girlfriend’s athletic trophy-winning brother’. He is just as likely to be a social worker, cop, doctor, or mechanic. The fact is—he could be ANYBODY.

The only defense is self-defense. And the only self-defense is knowledge. The articles in our newsletters and on our website will help you realize your potential need for future insight into the area of dangerousness. Perhaps they will illuminate areas that you need more knowledge about, more insight, or just information.

If, after reading this article, you recognize your own patterns, please avail yourself to more information through our products and services, or through your local women’s organizations and counseling programs.

Our hope is that this information is used for a woman’s relational harm reduction and education for healthier relationships. Please pass this on to other women who need this life-saving information. Be the beacon to other women.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

All Memory is Not Created Equal—Positive Memory Seepage

Intrusive thoughts are associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as other emotional trauma disorders. Many survivors say that the most painful memories are not the intrusive thoughts of all the bad stuff, or even the violence—what is most painful is the intrusive thoughts of good memories.

Intrusive thoughts are not just bad thoughts or flashbacks. They can be intrusive from positive memories as well. Positive memories are embedded with deep emotional and psychological meaning. The meaning of the relationship, various happy moments, the deep feelings of attachment, fantastic sex—can all be power-packed into positive memories. Positive memories are also embedded with all the sights, sounds, smells, sensations, feelings, and the associated meanings of the events and remembrances of a happier time. The positive memories can also be tied up with a ribbon of fantasy and romanticized feelings. That’s a lot of power packed into a few positive memories, and has the “TNT emotional factor” that overrides your “stay-away-from-him” resolve.

All memories are not stored the same way. I’ve talked about this before in our books. Positive memory is stored differently in the brain, and is more easily accessible than some of the bad memories. Many traumatic memories are stored in another part of the brain that makes them harder to access. Sometimes the more traumatic they are, the harder it is to remember.

Unfortunately, what you might want to remember most is the bad part of the relationship, so it motivates you to stay away from getting back into it. But instead, you are murky, and are not always fresh in your mind about why you should be avoiding the pathological relationship. What IS easy to remember is all the positive memories. In fact, what has become intrusive is positive memory seepage. This is when all the good times and the associated senses (sight, touch, smell, etc.) are flooding your mind. You easily remember the good times and easily forget the bad times—all based on how and where these types of memories are stored in the brain. You may NEED the bad memories for emotional reinforcement; however, all you REMEMBER are the good ones.

That which is held internally is amplified. It’s almost like putting them under a magnifying glass—the feelings, memories, senses—are all BIGGER and STRONGER when the memories simply roll around in your head. It’s a lot like a pinball machine—memories pinging and ponging off the internal elements. The more they ping and pong, the stronger the memories move around the mind.

Memories kept in the mind also take on surreal qualities. Certain parts are like a movie—fantasy-based and romanticized. The positive memories are dipped in crystallized sugar and become tantalizing treats instead of toxic treats! While engaged in this positive memory seepage, it doesn’t feel like you are indulging yourself in toxic memories. It feels like you are trying to process the relationship—“Why did we do this?” “Did he say that?” “Why was it like that then, but it’s like this now?” It feels like what you are trying to do is to sort out the relationship. But all the sorting of this dirty laundry still leaves the same amount of soiled clothing piled in your head. You are just moving the same shirt from pile to pile. It’s still the same dirty laundry but nothing is getting cleaned up.

Positive memory seepage, as intrusive thoughts, is a big contributor to the cognitive dissonance women feel in the aftermath of these relationships. Cognitive Dissonance (or C.D., as we refer to it) is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time—it’s usually something like, “He’s good” AND “He’s bad”—“How can he be good AND bad?” Just trying to resolve that particular thought can leave a woman’s mind tangled up for years. C.D. can single-handedly take women down—it can cause them to be unable to concentrate, work, sleep, eat, or function overall. It’s like the image of the devil sitting on one shoulder and the angel sitting on the other, and they are both whispering in your ear. That’s exactly what C.D. is like—trying to decide which thing you are going to believe—that he’s bad for you, or that he’s good for you.

Positive memory seepage produces intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts, especially about positive memories, produce cognitive dissonance. These emotional processes feed each other like a blood-induced shark fest. It’s one of the single reasons women don’t disengage from the relationship, heal, or return to a higher level of functioning.

Now that we’ve identified what is really at the heart of the aftermath of symptoms, we know that treating C.D. is really the most important recovery factor in pathological love relationships. It’s why we have developed various tools to manage it—Maintaining Mindfulness in the Midst of Obsession e-book and two CDs, as well as our retreats, 1:1s, etc.

The quickest way to recover is by learning to manage the intrusive thoughts and cognitive dissonance. A managed mind makes life feel much more manageable too!

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Health and Wholeness for the Holiday Season

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

The holidays can be a very stressful time for most people. The frenzy that accompanies this time wears not only on the body, but can profoundly affect the mind and emotions. This is especially true when dealing with pathological relationships. Whether you are currently dealing with pathological individuals within the family, are in a marital or love relationship with a pathological person, or are recovering from a pathological relationship, the element of psychopathic dysfunction adds another dimension to ordinary holiday stress.

Those who were raised in families with psychopathic dynamics may carry a vague uneasiness around the holidays. It may be hard to pinpoint why there is a sense of dread around this time until one becomes consciously aware of how past dysfunction has colored the present. Being able to let go and enjoy the holidays can be difficult. Be aware of your feelings and the circumstances that surround them. Sometimes just being aware helps to alleviate negative emotions. Be gentle with yourself, as you need to reprogram how to accept the joy the season can bring, and then have the ability to enjoy this goodness.

Those who are currently married to, or involved with, a pathological person know the anxiety and distress the holidays can bring. The hoopla of the season brings with it an exaggerated variety of lies, manipulations, selfish behaviors, and drama. During this time, many behaviors exacerbate for various and obvious reasons. With each year that passes, many hold on to the hope that something will change for the better. This will never happen as the psychopath cannot sustain positive change, nor do they care to change unless change would work in their favor.

For those who are recovering from a pathological relationship, the holidays can be a mixed bag of emotions. A sense of relief may be felt by being unencumbered by the psychopath’s burdensome behaviors. The holidays could be experienced as a time of joy, instead of a time to dread.

On the other hand, the holidays are an opportune time for psychopaths to make their way back into relationships. Most people feel somewhat tender and nostalgic during the holiday season. Emotions that are running high, coupled with music, alcohol, and the overall romance of the season are the perfect set-up for psychopathic manipulation back into the relationship.

During the holiday season, it is extremely important to keep a sense of balance and peace within oneself. This is especially true if you are under the stressful circumstances of pathology. Keeping this time as stress-free as possible will help to keep you grounded, balanced, and healthy in body, mind and spirit.

v Maintain healthy eating habits. It is very easy to overindulge with food during the holidays. Keep a regular meal schedule, preferably four to six small meals per day, to keep your body fueled. Be sure to incorporate some form of protein in your meals. This will help to keep blood sugar levels in check. Also, try to limit the amount of sugar you consume. Too much sugar will make the body and mind feel sluggish. Keeping balance in your daily diet ensures good nutrition for the body, and no unwanted weight gain.

v Do not go off prescribed medication at this (or any) time unless directed by your physician. Also, do not self-medicate.

v Avoid alcohol as much as possible. If you must indulge, drink responsibly. The consequences of excessive drinking can be disastrous.

v Exercise.^* Walking, jogging, yoga, weight training—whatever is in your normal routine, keep exercising during the busy holiday season. Exercise makes us feel good and it’s good for us.

v Walk away from dysfunctional behavior as much as possible. Don’t waste your breath trying to reason with the unreasonable.

v Do not overextend or overspend on the pathological person if they are, unfortunately, in your life. They don’t appreciate or deserve your time, money, or efforts.

v Avoid holiday music if it makes you nostalgic for the “good times” with the pathological. Reminiscing and ruminating about this relationship is a waste of time during the holidays, and at any other time.

v Avoid hooking up with the pathological or with anyone during the holiday season. This is a vulnerable time and could lead to more poor choices.

v Talk with a qualified counselor, spiritual advisor, or trusted friend if you find yourself overwhelmed during this time.

v Spend quality time with those family members and friends who enhance your life. Visiting and entertaining can add much joy to your life if done with the right people.

v Keep the holiday season a sacred time. Whether you follow a specific religion or not, take some quiet time each day for prayer, meditation, or positive reflection to keep your mind and emotions in check.

v Maintain a grateful attitude no matter what the circumstances, and be good to yourself. Remember, you made it through another year, life is precious, and so are you.

    ~ Peace and joy to you this holiday season. ~

^*Before starting any health program, please consult your physician, or a certified or licensed professional in a particular discipline. This is especially important if you are pregnant or have health issues.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com