"Be gentle with yourself. The rest of your life deserves it." (Sandra L. Brown, MA)
As discussed in previous newsletters, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a trauma-related anxiety disorder and is often seen as an aftermath constellation of symptoms from pathological love relationships. Exposure to other people's pathology (and the corresponding emotional, physical/sexual abuse) can, and often does, give other people stress disorders, including PTSD. Our psychological and emotional systems are simply not wired for long-term exposure to someone else's abnormal psychology. Often the result is a conglomeration of ‘aftermath’ symptoms that include PTSD, which is described as 'a normal reaction to an abnormal life event.'
The profound and long-term effects of PTSD create what I refer to as a 'cracked vessel.' The fragmentation caused by the trauma creates a crack in the emotional defense system of the person. While treatment can 'glue the crack back together', and the vessel can once again function as a vessel, if pressure is applied to the crack, the vase will split apart again. This means, that the crack is a stress fracture in the vessel—it's the part of the vessel that is damaged and weakened in that area.
There are numerous types of therapies that can help PTSD. If you have it, or someone you care about has it, you/they should seek treatment. PTSD does not go away by itself, and if left untreated, can worsen. People often have missed the opportunity of treating PTSD when it was still relatively 'treatable' and responsive to therapy. The sooner it's treated, the better the outcome. But any treatment, at any time, can still help PTSD.
However, what is often not recognized is the 'continual' life that must be lived when living with the aftermath of PTSD. Because the cracked vessel can crack again, a gentle and balanced life will relieve a lot of the PTSD symptoms that can linger. I have often seen people who have put a lot of effort into their recovery and NOT put a lot of effort into the quality of a gentle life following treatment. This is a mistake, because going back into a busy and crazy life, or picking another pathological, could reactivate PTSD. As much as people want to 'get back out there', and think they can return to the life they use to live, often that's not true. 'Wanting' to live or do what you did before does not mean that you will be able to. I know, I know…. it ticks you off that the damage is interfering with the person who you use to be…. Before Pathology Exposure (BPE). But wanting it to be different doesn't make it different. If you have PTSD, you need to know what to realistically expect in your prognosis.
Consequently, many people's anxiety symptoms return if their life is not gentle enough. Much like a 12 Step Program, 'one day at a time' is necessary, and understanding your proclivity must be foremost in your mind.
Living the gentle life means reducing your exposure to triggers that can reactivate your PTSD. Only you know what these are. If you don't know then that's the first order of therapy—to find your triggers. You can't avoid (or even treat) what you don't know exists.
Triggers are exposure to emotional, physical, sexual, visual, auditory, or kinesthetic reminders that set off anxiety symptoms. These triggers could be people, places, objects, sounds, phrases (songs!) tastes, or smells which reconnect you to your trauma. Once you are reconnected to your trauma, your physical body reacts by pumping out the adrenaline and you become hyper-aroused, which is known as 'hyper-vigilance.' This increases paranoia, insomnia, startle reflex and a lot of other over-stimulated and anxiety-oriented behaviors.
Other triggers that are not trauma-specific, but you should be on the alert for, are violent movies, TV, or music, and high-level noises. Also, be on alert for lifestyle/jobs/people that are too fast-paced, 'busy' environments, risky or scary jobs, bosses or co-workers who have personality disorders and are abrasive, or any other situations that kick-starts your anxiety. Women are often surprised that other people's pathology now sets them off. Once they have been exposed to pathology and have acquired PTSD from this exposure, other pathology can trigger PTSD symptoms. Living 'pathology free' is nearly mandatory—to the degree that you can 'un-expose' yourself to other known pathologies
The opposite of chronic exposure to craziness and pathology would be the gentle life. Think 'Zen Retreat Center'—a subdued environment where your senses can rest…. where a body that has been pumped up with adrenaline can let down…. and a mind that races can relax. Where the video flashbacks can go on pause, and fast-paced chest panting can turn into slow, diaphragmatic breathing. Where darting eyes can close, soft scents soothe, and gentle music lulls. Where high heels come off and flip-flops go on. Where long quiet walks give way to tension release…. quieting of the mind chases off the demons of hyperactive thinking…. so when you whisper, you can hear yourself.
Only, this isn't a retreat center for a yearly visit…. this is your life, where your recovery and your need for all-things-gentle are center in your life. It doesn't mean you need to quit your job or move to a mountain, but it does mean that you attend to your over-stimulated physical body. Those things in your life you can control, such as the tranquility of your environment, need to be adjusted. Lifestyle adjustments ARE required for those who want to avoid reactivated anxiety. This includes psychological/emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual self-care techniques.
The one thing you can count on about PTSD, is when your AREN'T taking care of yourself, your body will SCREAM IT! Your life cannot be the crazy-filled life you may watch others live. Your need for exercise, quiet, healthy food, spirituality, tension release, and joy are as necessary as oxygen for someone with PTSD. Walking the gentle path is your best guard against more anxiety, and your best advocate for peace.
Because of this overwhelming need, The Institute offers retreats several times a year that focus on your recovery. If we can help you live a gentle life and heal, please let us know.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Cracked Vessel
Every year in our newsletter, we always rerun the articles that are 'tenets' of what we believe, or tried and trued aspects of recovery that survivors have told us greatly impacted them. The most loved of all series we have ever done is the "Living the Gentle Life" which refocuses survivors back on their own recovery and what they can do and must do in order to recover. We proudly give you the next 8 weeks of insight that will gently redirect you to the path of greatest healing. The first in our series is The Cracked Vessel...with a beautiful portrait painted by our gifted friend... May the next 8 weeks bless you and heal you
Over the years, I have talked about the frequent ‘aftermath’ of pathological love relationships, which is often Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many women emerge from these relationships either diagnosed, or not yet diagnosed, with PTSD—an anxiety disorder so extreme that the core concept of self is often fragmented.
To demonstrate PTSD, I use the analogy of a cracked vessel. PTSD causes a fracture to the core concept of self which produces a crack in the soul. However, the soul, mind and body must continue to try to function as it did prior to the damage. The vase can be glued again to function, but push on the crack, and the vessel will break again.
PTSD is a mood disorder, specifically an anxiety disorder. The common symptoms of PTSD (whether in you or someone you care about who has been in a pathological relationship) includes:
• Intrusive thoughts about him/relationship/events of the relationship
• Nightmares
• Flashbacks or sensing effects reoccurring in the present moment
• Extreme reactions upon exposure to things that symbolize or resemble parts of the relationship
• Trying to avoid thinking about him or the relationship
• Trying to avoid situations that remind you of him or the relationship
• Blocked recall of all the events that occurred
• Decreased interest in daily activities
• Feeling numb, detached, unable to feel loving feelings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Hyper-vigilance (startle reflex)
• Hyper-arousal (feeling keyed up or too alert)
• Insomnia
• Anger/Irritability
Some of the biggest concerns for women are the symptoms associated with PTSD because it is interfering with the quality of their lives, their level of functioning, and often their ability to parent effectively. Many don't realize they have PTSD so they don't seek treatment. They just feel like 'they're going crazy' or 'I should be over it by now--why am I still having these experiences?' People are often relieved to find out a name and a reason for their experiences.
Unfortunately, others around them may also not realize what is wrong and may tell them to 'move on', 'get over it', 'just meet someone else', and yet months, and even years later, women can still be having PTSD symptoms. That's because PTSD does not just 'go away' without treatment. In fact, it worsens over time when neglected.
PTSD is considered a 'trauma disorder' because you have lived through an abnormal and traumatic life event. Trauma disorders require specific types of treatment in order to recover. Untreateded PTSD can lead to chronic anxiety and depression, substance abuse to help cope with the anxiety, other compulsive behaviors like eating, smoking, and sexual acting out, addiction to sleep aids, and chronic stress related medical conditions. It's not a disorder to be taken 'lightly.'
Those who have already been diagnosed with PTSD may not realize that PTSD is often a life-long condition. You won't always feel as anxiety-ridden as you do now, but depending on the severity of the PTSD, it can leave the vessel cracked. Future damage can cause the stress crack to re-fracture.
Survivors either highly identify with the analogy of the cracked vessel, or hate the analogy. Some have written me and said, "I don't like what you said about being a cracked vessel—anyone can change." I didn't create the symptoms and effects of PTSD. I have only learned to live with them….
People with PTSD need to live quiet, gentle lives. Their households, jobs, environments, and relationships need to reflect the tranquility that an overtaxed body needs. These are not people who need to have fast-paced, dramatic, traumatic and chaotic jobs, lifestyles or relationships. These are people whose bodies, minds, and spirits need to exist in a healing environment.
In our upcoming six-part series on 'Living a Gentle Life,' we will go into much more detail about recovery from PTSD.
(**Information on pathology and your recovery is in the award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Over the years, I have talked about the frequent ‘aftermath’ of pathological love relationships, which is often Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many women emerge from these relationships either diagnosed, or not yet diagnosed, with PTSD—an anxiety disorder so extreme that the core concept of self is often fragmented.
To demonstrate PTSD, I use the analogy of a cracked vessel. PTSD causes a fracture to the core concept of self which produces a crack in the soul. However, the soul, mind and body must continue to try to function as it did prior to the damage. The vase can be glued again to function, but push on the crack, and the vessel will break again.
PTSD is a mood disorder, specifically an anxiety disorder. The common symptoms of PTSD (whether in you or someone you care about who has been in a pathological relationship) includes:
• Intrusive thoughts about him/relationship/events of the relationship
• Nightmares
• Flashbacks or sensing effects reoccurring in the present moment
• Extreme reactions upon exposure to things that symbolize or resemble parts of the relationship
• Trying to avoid thinking about him or the relationship
• Trying to avoid situations that remind you of him or the relationship
• Blocked recall of all the events that occurred
• Decreased interest in daily activities
• Feeling numb, detached, unable to feel loving feelings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Hyper-vigilance (startle reflex)
• Hyper-arousal (feeling keyed up or too alert)
• Insomnia
• Anger/Irritability
Some of the biggest concerns for women are the symptoms associated with PTSD because it is interfering with the quality of their lives, their level of functioning, and often their ability to parent effectively. Many don't realize they have PTSD so they don't seek treatment. They just feel like 'they're going crazy' or 'I should be over it by now--why am I still having these experiences?' People are often relieved to find out a name and a reason for their experiences.
Unfortunately, others around them may also not realize what is wrong and may tell them to 'move on', 'get over it', 'just meet someone else', and yet months, and even years later, women can still be having PTSD symptoms. That's because PTSD does not just 'go away' without treatment. In fact, it worsens over time when neglected.
PTSD is considered a 'trauma disorder' because you have lived through an abnormal and traumatic life event. Trauma disorders require specific types of treatment in order to recover. Untreateded PTSD can lead to chronic anxiety and depression, substance abuse to help cope with the anxiety, other compulsive behaviors like eating, smoking, and sexual acting out, addiction to sleep aids, and chronic stress related medical conditions. It's not a disorder to be taken 'lightly.'
Those who have already been diagnosed with PTSD may not realize that PTSD is often a life-long condition. You won't always feel as anxiety-ridden as you do now, but depending on the severity of the PTSD, it can leave the vessel cracked. Future damage can cause the stress crack to re-fracture.
Survivors either highly identify with the analogy of the cracked vessel, or hate the analogy. Some have written me and said, "I don't like what you said about being a cracked vessel—anyone can change." I didn't create the symptoms and effects of PTSD. I have only learned to live with them….
People with PTSD need to live quiet, gentle lives. Their households, jobs, environments, and relationships need to reflect the tranquility that an overtaxed body needs. These are not people who need to have fast-paced, dramatic, traumatic and chaotic jobs, lifestyles or relationships. These are people whose bodies, minds, and spirits need to exist in a healing environment.
In our upcoming six-part series on 'Living a Gentle Life,' we will go into much more detail about recovery from PTSD.
(**Information on pathology and your recovery is in the award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I Got This…
I Got This…
By Jennifer Young
The focus of this series of articles has been your Super Traits. The Super Traits are your temperament and character traits that are powerful components of who you are which carry positive and negative consequences. The power that you have over these traits comes in the form of awareness. Your first task is to acknowledge them and address the areas in your life of which they put you at risk. The second task is to use these traits to your advantage.
Thomas Jefferson said, "Never trouble another for what you can do yourself." I think we can agree that these words are true for most of us, and a great way to live your life. But, they could not be more inaccurate when talking about a psychopath – in fact they probably see these words and think…"suckers." The truth is, psychopaths are amazingly resourceful, and their greatest tool for being resourceful is you.
Resourcefulness by definition means that you are able to meet the needs of a situation and can develop the necessary means to accomplish a task. Being resourceful is a highly valuable trait, so consequently those who are very high in the trait of resourcefulness (like women who have been in relationships with psychopaths) often have very successful lives…great careers, wonderful children, and a great circle of friends.
You are often the person that:
• Others turn to in a time of need or struggle
• Are able to find ways to get things done that others might have thought impossible
• Find resources where there were none
• Get help when others were turned down
• Can rally any number of people to the cause
Most importantly, you have a great combination of inner and outer resources. Your inner resource examples are creativity, intelligence, confidence, courage, or passion. Your outer resources are people, money, or technology. When used together – you can accomplish anything.
It is important to realize there is a difference in the resourcefulness of you and the resourcefulness of a psychopath. The psychopath is resourceful off the backs of others. The word that comes to mind is "exploitive."
Thomas Jefferson's words would be twisted into something like this – "Never do for yourself what you can convince others to do for you." In this way of pathological thinking, the psychopath's view is a negative use of a positive trait. You can easily be fooled into believing that your psychopath is so "resourceful" because he always seems to get things done. If you stop and become an observer, you will see that there is a trail of destruction behind every step he takes. Resourcefulness is part of his mask, so even you (as one of his resources) will be used as the mask. As Sandra says, "He is sicker than you are smart." So, no matter how smart you are in using your resources, his resources of exploitation and diabolical behavior is stronger. This exploitive and diabolical use of resources wins every time.
Herein lies the risk: You will use all of your resources trying to "fix" or "help" him. You've got the resources to do it – the connections, the know-how – and in most cases, the means to fix things. Add to your resourcefulness a little bit of oxytocin, and you're toast. That's because we are compelled, as humans, to bond with those we love. Oxytocin does that for us because as humans we need to be bonded to others. Part of bonding and maintaining a lasting relationship is being resourceful together – "I'll help you, you help me." The problem is this is a perfect fit for a psychopath, because they view the world as "suckers." In most cases they are energy exploiters and look for others to do their work, or they exploit because it's fun to watch others do what they have directed them to do.
So now, you have created a cycle – he's broken, you fix, he says thank you, then he breaks again, you fix, he says thank you, and so on. This cycle is one of the reasons you stay so long, because you are always in between him "breaking" and you "fixing." He never fixes himself – but you are on a mission – "I love him, and this what you do for someone you love." So, years have passed, nothing has changed with him, but you are completely exhausted. Your resources are tapped out. You have no more creativity, you feel dumb (nothing has worked), have no confidence, and your courage has turned to fear. Those outer resources are probably gone too – the money, the friends – all of it.
But herein lies YOUR benefit: Your resourcefulness can become a real problem for a psychopath, and isn't that what you want about now? When you are ready you will, and can, outthink him. What I know is that "he is sicker than you are smart," BUT only until you get smart.
You have the ability to be confident enough to make real changes. Let's face it, you have been courageous for a big piece of your life – you've been with a pathological partner, and that takes a form of courage. So, those internal RESOURCES are exactly what is needed THAT CAN BE USED FOR GETTING AWAY.
How do those resources look in action?
• You will call everyone you know to get the truth and get help.
• You will call ex's, you will tap phones, and you will search computers.
• You will put the pieces together, stop doing for him and begin to do for yourself.
Once that final pathological event happens that produces eyes-wide-open reality, it will be your resourcefulness that lifts you out and moves you on. Not sure your traits can hang on long enough to be a benefit for you? The good news is your traits are hard-wired in you. They are not going away. So even though at the end of the relationship it feels as if he has drained you and your resources are depleted…he has not. Your ability to be resourceful is still there because it has always been one of your strongest traits.
You can begin by accessing your internal resources. Strengthen them by exercising your creativity, by challenging yourself and taking those steps to live pathology-free, and by massaging your courageousness. While you're at it, you can also engage your external resources by reaching out to old friends and co-workers, re-engage at work (to build up your financial resources), or stepping out and doing something you've always dreamed about.
My favorite idea for the rebuilding of resourcefulness is reaching out to those friends and family who always told you he was the problem. You can bring them back to you as a supporter by telling them they were right. If an old friend or distant family member was once a valuable resource, then humble yourself, call them and tell them your story, and get your resource back. Step by step you will begin grabbing hold of one of your best traits – your own resourcefulness to rebuild your life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Jennifer Young
The focus of this series of articles has been your Super Traits. The Super Traits are your temperament and character traits that are powerful components of who you are which carry positive and negative consequences. The power that you have over these traits comes in the form of awareness. Your first task is to acknowledge them and address the areas in your life of which they put you at risk. The second task is to use these traits to your advantage.
Thomas Jefferson said, "Never trouble another for what you can do yourself." I think we can agree that these words are true for most of us, and a great way to live your life. But, they could not be more inaccurate when talking about a psychopath – in fact they probably see these words and think…"suckers." The truth is, psychopaths are amazingly resourceful, and their greatest tool for being resourceful is you.
Resourcefulness by definition means that you are able to meet the needs of a situation and can develop the necessary means to accomplish a task. Being resourceful is a highly valuable trait, so consequently those who are very high in the trait of resourcefulness (like women who have been in relationships with psychopaths) often have very successful lives…great careers, wonderful children, and a great circle of friends.
You are often the person that:
• Others turn to in a time of need or struggle
• Are able to find ways to get things done that others might have thought impossible
• Find resources where there were none
• Get help when others were turned down
• Can rally any number of people to the cause
Most importantly, you have a great combination of inner and outer resources. Your inner resource examples are creativity, intelligence, confidence, courage, or passion. Your outer resources are people, money, or technology. When used together – you can accomplish anything.
It is important to realize there is a difference in the resourcefulness of you and the resourcefulness of a psychopath. The psychopath is resourceful off the backs of others. The word that comes to mind is "exploitive."
Thomas Jefferson's words would be twisted into something like this – "Never do for yourself what you can convince others to do for you." In this way of pathological thinking, the psychopath's view is a negative use of a positive trait. You can easily be fooled into believing that your psychopath is so "resourceful" because he always seems to get things done. If you stop and become an observer, you will see that there is a trail of destruction behind every step he takes. Resourcefulness is part of his mask, so even you (as one of his resources) will be used as the mask. As Sandra says, "He is sicker than you are smart." So, no matter how smart you are in using your resources, his resources of exploitation and diabolical behavior is stronger. This exploitive and diabolical use of resources wins every time.
Herein lies the risk: You will use all of your resources trying to "fix" or "help" him. You've got the resources to do it – the connections, the know-how – and in most cases, the means to fix things. Add to your resourcefulness a little bit of oxytocin, and you're toast. That's because we are compelled, as humans, to bond with those we love. Oxytocin does that for us because as humans we need to be bonded to others. Part of bonding and maintaining a lasting relationship is being resourceful together – "I'll help you, you help me." The problem is this is a perfect fit for a psychopath, because they view the world as "suckers." In most cases they are energy exploiters and look for others to do their work, or they exploit because it's fun to watch others do what they have directed them to do.
So now, you have created a cycle – he's broken, you fix, he says thank you, then he breaks again, you fix, he says thank you, and so on. This cycle is one of the reasons you stay so long, because you are always in between him "breaking" and you "fixing." He never fixes himself – but you are on a mission – "I love him, and this what you do for someone you love." So, years have passed, nothing has changed with him, but you are completely exhausted. Your resources are tapped out. You have no more creativity, you feel dumb (nothing has worked), have no confidence, and your courage has turned to fear. Those outer resources are probably gone too – the money, the friends – all of it.
But herein lies YOUR benefit: Your resourcefulness can become a real problem for a psychopath, and isn't that what you want about now? When you are ready you will, and can, outthink him. What I know is that "he is sicker than you are smart," BUT only until you get smart.
You have the ability to be confident enough to make real changes. Let's face it, you have been courageous for a big piece of your life – you've been with a pathological partner, and that takes a form of courage. So, those internal RESOURCES are exactly what is needed THAT CAN BE USED FOR GETTING AWAY.
How do those resources look in action?
• You will call everyone you know to get the truth and get help.
• You will call ex's, you will tap phones, and you will search computers.
• You will put the pieces together, stop doing for him and begin to do for yourself.
Once that final pathological event happens that produces eyes-wide-open reality, it will be your resourcefulness that lifts you out and moves you on. Not sure your traits can hang on long enough to be a benefit for you? The good news is your traits are hard-wired in you. They are not going away. So even though at the end of the relationship it feels as if he has drained you and your resources are depleted…he has not. Your ability to be resourceful is still there because it has always been one of your strongest traits.
You can begin by accessing your internal resources. Strengthen them by exercising your creativity, by challenging yourself and taking those steps to live pathology-free, and by massaging your courageousness. While you're at it, you can also engage your external resources by reaching out to old friends and co-workers, re-engage at work (to build up your financial resources), or stepping out and doing something you've always dreamed about.
My favorite idea for the rebuilding of resourcefulness is reaching out to those friends and family who always told you he was the problem. You can bring them back to you as a supporter by telling them they were right. If an old friend or distant family member was once a valuable resource, then humble yourself, call them and tell them your story, and get your resource back. Step by step you will begin grabbing hold of one of your best traits – your own resourcefulness to rebuild your life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, July 7, 2012
What We Believe About Pathology and Relational Health
"Some of the most disturbing realities are not that pathology exists, but that so little public pathology education for the general public exists."
-Sandra L. Brown, M.A., The Institute
The Problem of the Unrecognized Face of Pathology
We live in an age where 'Positive Psychology' has ingrained a mantra into society's psyche – which is:
If you think it
(i.e., the narcissist/psychopath needs to change his behavior)
Then you can make it happen
(i.e., your relationship will be successful when he changes)
That may be true when you are with a person who has normal psychology. But it's a long way from being true for those who have pathology.
For many years, people have thought that if they focused hard enough, loved long enough, tolerated more, and carried a positive attitude, their partner would somehow become unaffected by the personality disorder – even the psychopathy they bore. People believed this because they were often told this by professionals – all under the guises of different therapy approaches and theories.
For years, people who had gone through traditional forms of couples counseling came to us bearing the scars from not only the pathology in their partner who abused them, but by the wrong application of couples counseling therapy. When there was the pathology of having no conscience, no lack of remorse, impaired insight, or low impulse control in a partner – traditional forms of counseling proved unsuccessful. What occurred were often techniques in Mirroring, Love Languages, Communication Building, Intimacy, or Spiritual Reflecting for a partner who had no insight and lacked empathy for what his partner had experienced. Equally prevalent, were ideologies that 'the pathological came into my life to heal me,' or 'this is a spiritual manifestation for me to grow by,' or 'he is in my life to heal my issues from early childhood.'
Equally damaging, lack of public information often occurs through women's organizations that lumps problem behavior in one category (abuser) and leave the impairment of pathology out of the equation. People are then forced to conform to theories that do not fit their dynamics in order to get help, and miss the crucial ability to understand which disorders hold hope for change, and which do not.
There is emotional, physical, and relational danger in applying pop psychology principles to something as aberrant as pathology. Trying to 'attract' the 'positive' to the relationship so the pathology is transformed leaves people ignoring the traits of pathology that can seriously harm them. It is no wonder we are not further ahead in being able to spot abnormal psychology in others and avoid it.
The truth is, nothing impacts non-pathological people as much as being in a relationship with someone who is pathological. Add to that the lack of understanding of how pathology manifests in relationships, and the manipulative behavior of those with pathology – and you have partners, families, and children who are devastated almost as much by the lack of information, as by the destruction that happens at the hands of the pathological. Without the education of 'what' the disorder is, 'how' it came to be, 'whom' it effects, and 'why' it harms others – partners, families, and children live in the shadows of unspoken confusion and pain. This also bleeds over to family court, mediators, social workers, and judges who also do not recognize pathology, or care to understand it, leaving cases in limbo and in danger labeled as 'contentious' or 'high conflict.'
Many who have found The Institute's programs and products have said, 'This is the first time anyone has ever explained this to me in a way I could understand.' I have seen that when people finally found information that described their partner's pathology, the awareness often gave way to crying, and then to anger. It was the information they wanted that was out there all along, but was not easy to find, or was sometimes not easy to understand or explained in layman's terms. Equally as frustrating is such poor and inaccurate training generated out of generic approaches to pathology in graduate schools which leaves professionals with the inability to spot pathology in others, and a total loss about how to treat the survivors. Consequently, the mental health field has done little to train the public about what pathology is, the limitation of wellness it implies, and what it looks and acts like in relationships, because they themselves do not know.
The efforts of The Institute are to bridge the gap in public pathology education to both survivors and treatment providers. One of our bridges in public pathology education is for survivors and is achieved by providing the best and most up-to-date recovery options for their unique aftermath symptoms. The second bridge is our approaches for victim service providers in the fields of mental health, criminal justice, nursing/medical, pastoral, addiction, and law enforcement. Our products for service providers, as well as our face-to-face trainings, have equipped professionals in many fields from many countries with the tools they need to help heal the aftermath of pathological love relationships.
An M.D. said to me recently, 'I consider pathology and it's untaught concepts to be the number one health crisis in this country.'
We couldn't agree more. We hope that the work of the many professionals who are involved with The Institute will be the part of the solution to the unrecognized face of pathology and it's victims.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Sandra L. Brown, M.A., The Institute
The Problem of the Unrecognized Face of Pathology
We live in an age where 'Positive Psychology' has ingrained a mantra into society's psyche – which is:
If you think it
(i.e., the narcissist/psychopath needs to change his behavior)
Then you can make it happen
(i.e., your relationship will be successful when he changes)
That may be true when you are with a person who has normal psychology. But it's a long way from being true for those who have pathology.
For many years, people have thought that if they focused hard enough, loved long enough, tolerated more, and carried a positive attitude, their partner would somehow become unaffected by the personality disorder – even the psychopathy they bore. People believed this because they were often told this by professionals – all under the guises of different therapy approaches and theories.
For years, people who had gone through traditional forms of couples counseling came to us bearing the scars from not only the pathology in their partner who abused them, but by the wrong application of couples counseling therapy. When there was the pathology of having no conscience, no lack of remorse, impaired insight, or low impulse control in a partner – traditional forms of counseling proved unsuccessful. What occurred were often techniques in Mirroring, Love Languages, Communication Building, Intimacy, or Spiritual Reflecting for a partner who had no insight and lacked empathy for what his partner had experienced. Equally prevalent, were ideologies that 'the pathological came into my life to heal me,' or 'this is a spiritual manifestation for me to grow by,' or 'he is in my life to heal my issues from early childhood.'
Equally damaging, lack of public information often occurs through women's organizations that lumps problem behavior in one category (abuser) and leave the impairment of pathology out of the equation. People are then forced to conform to theories that do not fit their dynamics in order to get help, and miss the crucial ability to understand which disorders hold hope for change, and which do not.
There is emotional, physical, and relational danger in applying pop psychology principles to something as aberrant as pathology. Trying to 'attract' the 'positive' to the relationship so the pathology is transformed leaves people ignoring the traits of pathology that can seriously harm them. It is no wonder we are not further ahead in being able to spot abnormal psychology in others and avoid it.
The truth is, nothing impacts non-pathological people as much as being in a relationship with someone who is pathological. Add to that the lack of understanding of how pathology manifests in relationships, and the manipulative behavior of those with pathology – and you have partners, families, and children who are devastated almost as much by the lack of information, as by the destruction that happens at the hands of the pathological. Without the education of 'what' the disorder is, 'how' it came to be, 'whom' it effects, and 'why' it harms others – partners, families, and children live in the shadows of unspoken confusion and pain. This also bleeds over to family court, mediators, social workers, and judges who also do not recognize pathology, or care to understand it, leaving cases in limbo and in danger labeled as 'contentious' or 'high conflict.'
Many who have found The Institute's programs and products have said, 'This is the first time anyone has ever explained this to me in a way I could understand.' I have seen that when people finally found information that described their partner's pathology, the awareness often gave way to crying, and then to anger. It was the information they wanted that was out there all along, but was not easy to find, or was sometimes not easy to understand or explained in layman's terms. Equally as frustrating is such poor and inaccurate training generated out of generic approaches to pathology in graduate schools which leaves professionals with the inability to spot pathology in others, and a total loss about how to treat the survivors. Consequently, the mental health field has done little to train the public about what pathology is, the limitation of wellness it implies, and what it looks and acts like in relationships, because they themselves do not know.
The efforts of The Institute are to bridge the gap in public pathology education to both survivors and treatment providers. One of our bridges in public pathology education is for survivors and is achieved by providing the best and most up-to-date recovery options for their unique aftermath symptoms. The second bridge is our approaches for victim service providers in the fields of mental health, criminal justice, nursing/medical, pastoral, addiction, and law enforcement. Our products for service providers, as well as our face-to-face trainings, have equipped professionals in many fields from many countries with the tools they need to help heal the aftermath of pathological love relationships.
An M.D. said to me recently, 'I consider pathology and it's untaught concepts to be the number one health crisis in this country.'
We couldn't agree more. We hope that the work of the many professionals who are involved with The Institute will be the part of the solution to the unrecognized face of pathology and it's victims.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness
Happy 4th of July! With all that flag waving and potato salad,I couldn't help but think about 'Independence Day' -- the day that women cut the cords of dependency and exit dangerous and pathological relationships.
Your emotional and physical 'Independence Day' is the beginning of recovery. It's the day that you 'come to' and say:
* How did I get here?
* Is this REALLY my life?
* Where did the real me go?
* Look how much this has cost me to be with him
* Look what it's done to my friends/family/children
* You know what? I'm not CRAZY!
* I don't believe his lies any more
* I'm sick of feeling this way
* I am tired of hearing about how everything is my fault
* I am sickened by my own staying
Your 'Independence Day' is the day you pick up and read some insight-oriented material that makes you snap out of the trance you have been in within the relationship. It's the day you read a book, listen to an audio, call a counselor, or pack your bags. It's the day you pray 'God help me get out,' change the locks on your door, or leave his bags at the curb. It's the day you book a retreat, go back to church/temple, confess your sick relationship to others.
Independence Day symbolizes freedom...not only in this country but in ourselves. The freedom to heal. The freedom to choose differently. The freedom to gain insight from someone other than a pathological individual we have been involved with. The freedom to end what is unhealthy.
Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness are aspects of a healthy life that can't occur within pathological and dangerous relationships. There is no life in that! It has all been sucked out of you by the pathological personality that is needy, defiant, deviant, or insatiable.
There is no Liberty--he runs the show, your thoughts, your needs, your dreams. There is no Pursuit of Happiness--only his. All pathologicals have an agenda that include their own perverted entitlement. Your happiness is only an accident if it happens while he is pursuing his own.
People fight to keep us free. Shouldn't you fight to keep yourself free? Independence isn't the opposite of dependency. It's the absence of self negation where you respect your own uniqueness, self, and life path and that you live first for these values.
Independence isn't selfishness. It isn't some prescription for alone-ness. It's the foundation of boundaries, self care, emotional and relational health.
Independence allows and builds inter-dependence--the structure that allows us to mutually care for one another without pathological suffocation. Independence is most assuredly, your recovery.
If we can help you out of your dangerous relationship, please avail yourself to our book, ebooks, other products, phone sessions, and retreat programs. Your success out is our success.
Your emotional and physical 'Independence Day' is the beginning of recovery. It's the day that you 'come to' and say:
* How did I get here?
* Is this REALLY my life?
* Where did the real me go?
* Look how much this has cost me to be with him
* Look what it's done to my friends/family/children
* You know what? I'm not CRAZY!
* I don't believe his lies any more
* I'm sick of feeling this way
* I am tired of hearing about how everything is my fault
* I am sickened by my own staying
Your 'Independence Day' is the day you pick up and read some insight-oriented material that makes you snap out of the trance you have been in within the relationship. It's the day you read a book, listen to an audio, call a counselor, or pack your bags. It's the day you pray 'God help me get out,' change the locks on your door, or leave his bags at the curb. It's the day you book a retreat, go back to church/temple, confess your sick relationship to others.
Independence Day symbolizes freedom...not only in this country but in ourselves. The freedom to heal. The freedom to choose differently. The freedom to gain insight from someone other than a pathological individual we have been involved with. The freedom to end what is unhealthy.
Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness are aspects of a healthy life that can't occur within pathological and dangerous relationships. There is no life in that! It has all been sucked out of you by the pathological personality that is needy, defiant, deviant, or insatiable.
There is no Liberty--he runs the show, your thoughts, your needs, your dreams. There is no Pursuit of Happiness--only his. All pathologicals have an agenda that include their own perverted entitlement. Your happiness is only an accident if it happens while he is pursuing his own.
People fight to keep us free. Shouldn't you fight to keep yourself free? Independence isn't the opposite of dependency. It's the absence of self negation where you respect your own uniqueness, self, and life path and that you live first for these values.
Independence isn't selfishness. It isn't some prescription for alone-ness. It's the foundation of boundaries, self care, emotional and relational health.
Independence allows and builds inter-dependence--the structure that allows us to mutually care for one another without pathological suffocation. Independence is most assuredly, your recovery.
If we can help you out of your dangerous relationship, please avail yourself to our book, ebooks, other products, phone sessions, and retreat programs. Your success out is our success.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)