By Sandra L. Brown, MA
Personality disorders are
those permanent disorders that mar a soul. They impair a person’s ability to
grow, to sustain enduring positive change, and to develop insight about how
their behavior affects others. This is the path of pathology—when disorders so
affect a personality that it leaves a person impaired and it disengages their
character switch.
Personality disorders are
often referred to as Character Disorders. No wonder! The problems associated with
personality disorders largely manifest as inappropriate behavior associated as
negative character reflection. We now know some of this inappropriate behavior
is associated with poor impulse control. When low impulse control is not
managed, a person begins to look like someone ‘characterlogically challenged’—
displaying characteristics such as lying, conning, manipulation, overt or
covert stealing, sex addictions, infidelity, violence, drugs/alcohol abuse,
etc. These are all reflections on someone’s behavior which can reflect
character.
Why would someone want to be with
anyone whose character is ‘suspect’? Finding out about consistent lying or
chronic cheating are all character red flags that, when heeded, could reduce
the relational harm you experience; but ignored, become a path of pain.
Character red flags are usually related to CHARACTER DISORDERS which are
associated with personality disorders, which are permanent.
People who adhere to a ‘two-strike
rule’ about character infractions could help reduce the number of people in
therapy today because of Pathological Love Relationships. Behavior is often a
reflection of character. What are you accepting as character and why are you
shocked when they display more of the same behavior? And why do you end up
making excuses for their behavior?
Over and over again I hear
women of all ages say, “There isn’t anyone decent out there.” It seems to be especially
true of this current 20-something generation in which “It’s all about me” has
become a significant motto of the decade. Women give up and give in to the
common dating practices that are prevalent right now, only to cycle through
relationship after relationship not only not
getting their needs met, but being damaged by their relationships as well.
There HAS to be something better out there for women—but is that what you
REALLY want?
Why do I ask that? I got a
letter from a previous client who discussed the latest relationship she was in.
While she was hoping she had overcome her previous relationship choice patterns,
she was shocked to find herself in yet another relationship because “she didn’t
want to be alone.” It wasn’t a crushing kind of loneliness—but a general
“wanting to find the right guy.” She thought it started out well—and when
problems arose, counseling was sought from several sources. Feeling like she
had gotten a handle on what the issues were, and he had voiced his desire to
work on the problems, she stayed trying to find the love that she was seeking.
But after emotional and verbal abuse, a threat with a deadly weapon, a display
of alcohol abuse, and some physical assaults—she decided the relationship was
probably ‘dangerous or deadly.’ There went another couple of years down the
tubes—another ‘dangerous man’ and her hopes and emotions dashed against the
trigger of a deadly weapon.
In contrast, I am reminded of
my foster son Cody’s character, who died at the ripe old age of 25. He was a
young guy who, ironically in this day and age, never succumbed to the sex and
drug culture.
He was gentle—with nature,
with feelings, with people. His integrity was thorough, weaving a rich and deep
seam through his character. In a blazing black-and-white contrast to what women
have been selecting, I wondered why it’s so hard to see character. Yeah, yeah, I know—they hide and mask and do all
the other subversive types of behavior that don’t allow you to see. It’s often
said that “Character is who you are when no one is looking.” Well, a
pathological could care less about that! They only want to fake character when
someone IS looking.
But just knowing that
character and its glaring deficits are often related to pathology should be
enough to make people sit up and take notice. We live in a world that is
numbing itself against any moral and behavioral absolutes. This numbing causes
people to accept pathological behavior as the norm. “There aren’t any good ones
left” is an excuse to accept the pathological culture that is developing before
us.
It takes someone like Cody to
make us realize that good people are worth waiting for. When you accept bad
character, you get bad behavior. When you accept bad behavior, you accept being
hurt because it’s inevitable. Thank you, Cody, for being a teacher to me about
what good mental health looks like in a young man. I miss you, but always
remember what you taught me.
Character counts, ladies.
Don’t sacrifice.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us
know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about
pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more
information.)
