Last week we discussed ‘hate’
as an impassioned feeling that has a high connection to relapse. We are likely
to act on anything we feel that embroiled
about. Relapse prevention has to be more detailed than using mere feelings
such as ‘hatred’ as a tool for distancing yourself from the pathological. This
usually doesn’t work because hate is passionate and increases your sense of attachment
to him.
Instead, let’s consider
emotional detachment and its powerful ability to change the course of your
thinking and actions. Almost all religious traditions use some form of
emotional detachment. Christianity, Zen, Hinduism, and other religions all have
techniques for detachment. These religious ‘interventions’ are referred to as
‘detachment,’ ‘holy indifference,’ ‘non-attachment’ and ‘asceticism,’ of which
detachment is one practice. I particularly like the phrase, ‘holy
indifference,’ because it reminds me that the practice can be holy if approached
with the right motive and heart.
The strength of detachment is
that it gives you back the power over your emotions and the actions that come
from your emotions. Women complain that they feel ‘powerless’ over knee-jerk
reactions in their emotions (hatred), their thinking (intrusive thoughts,
obsessions) and their behaviors (impulsively contacting him). Detachment is a
way of ‘creating a spacer’ between a feeling, thought, or desire, and the action
that follows. A spacer is the point of control and choice.
In emotional detachment, you
step outside of the situation as if you were the third person watching what is
occurring. I tell people to pretend they are ME! So, you are now Sandra,
standing over here watching how YOU are going to handle this highly emotionally
charged moment. Taking a moment to say,
“What would Sandra tell me to do?” or “What would my spiritual beliefs tell me
to do?” gives you back the opportunity to act in your best interest. Your best
interest is always non-reactivity—the ability to not have a huge reaction to
what he has said or done (except in the case of physical violence, in which you
should immediately escape). This emotional detachment is also what I teach in
my ‘Starve the Vampire’ technique—the stepping OUT of an emotional reaction and
starving him with your non-reactions.
That’s because pathologicals
live for this kind of drama. Every highly charged interaction reminds him of
how much control he DOES have over you and your emotions. If he can get you
emotionally cranked up, then he has your complete attention. Then he can crank
you up further, and he can control you through what he does with your emotions.
This makes him feel powerful and will increase his contact with you.
Emotional detachment reminds
you that you don’t have to respond to the same old cycles of baiting from him.
For your own sanity and dignity you can choose the path of peace, which is ‘holy
indifference,’ or in the 12-Step traditions, “turning him, the situation, and
his behaviors over to God.” The old cycles of baiting you with taunts of, “you’re
crazy,” “you don’t love me,” “you’re a witch and I’m with someone else,” can be
the ending of torment instead of being the fuel for the fire of torment. When
you practice non-attachment to these kinds of acts or words, there is nothing to
fuel the fire to keep this taunting alive.
Additionally, when you
practice the ability to hold your emotions in check, you are stopping the flow
of adrenaline into your body. In the past I have talked quite a bit about
anxiety, fear and aggravation and how these emotions release adrenaline in your
body, which sets off even MORE emotional agitation, sleeplessness,
hyper-vigilant reactions, and anxiety. Learning to not respond by stepping back
from his words and thinking like I would think about that—(“Oh, Sandra would
say he’s just being a pathological—look how he uses those feelings to try to
make me react. The disorder is just being what it is. Wow, he really IS sick.”)—helps
your body to not react and not create an avalanche of adrenaline crashing
throughout your body.
The cycle of baiting, in the
past, would have instead created thoughts in you like, “I HATE him—I could just
kill him—He’s an ass! He’s doing this on purpose to hurt me, so I’m going to
hurt him!” Then you would say something or go home and do something that would
continue this cycle. Sometimes, you would re-contact him just so you wouldn’t
feel your own hate for him—contact him to make you stop feeling so intensely.
Now, practicing emotional
detachment or holy indifference, you can view it like you are watching a
Lifetime for Women movie. You see this woman who looks remarkably like you
being taunted by this extremely sick man. You notice her body language (relaxed
and not tense), her facial features (flat and indifferent), and what she says
(tonality of her voice is mono-toned and not angry). She simply walks away or
hangs up the phone or does not respond to her cell that is ringing with him on
the other end of the line. You see the shocked face of the sick man as ‘nothing
happens’ in the interaction. The screen fades to black. The scene is over.
If her mind is trying to
allow adrenaline to be released, she steps back and reminds herself, “I am not
responsible for this man’s disorder. He is being who he is—pathological. I don’t
need to respond to a disorder.”
Emotional detachment and holy
indifference remind us that we are not responsible for a disorder that is incurable
and untreatable. This man’s needs and fate are in hands much larger than ours,
which is exactly where his needs should be. Removing your hands and your
interventions in his life allows God to do whatever He feels is necessary in
this person’s life. You can’t influence the outcome. You can only influence how
you react.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us
know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information
about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information).
