At the heart of the victims rights movement I was involved in during the 1980's after my father's murder, was the concept of judicial justice that would lead to psychological justice. It's a great concept and in a perfect world it would work in all situations. If the pathological person wronged you (physically hurt, conned out of money, had screwed up custody situations, infidelity, spiritual abuse, etc.), he would be held accountable in the courts for his behavior, and more importantly, would be forced into victim restitution in which he would have to repay or do something as a sign of his guilt and your pain.
Of course, restitution in and of itself really doesn't heal anything. It's just the victim or person who was harmed feels like the scales of justice, that were so grossly leaning in his direction, got balanced into their direction. For a moment in court, and however long it takes him to pay or do the restitution, he is officially 'guilty' and everyone knows he was charged as such. He is 'paying his price to his victim' for his actions. For a moment in court, a judge believes you! He believes the monster really did what you say he did. That in and of itself is often the psychological justice that victims really look for and it helps them to heal.
In murder trials that I often attended, obviously the family cannot be compensated in any true way that relieves their pain and suffering. Their loved one was murdered. No amount of restitution touches a human life. The best the family can hope for is physical payment, prison, the death sentence, or some other act that the court assigns for the monster to the victim's family.
The judicial system acts as the conscience of this country. Victims seek solace in the courtroom and chambers hoping that justice will alleviate the pain, horror, and stigmatization of being a victim of the monster. But we know that in many cases, and I dare say, in most cases, that is not what happens. Restraining orders are not granted, arrests are not performed for stalking or violence, children are given over to the pathological who is overtly violent, sick, drug addicted, or otherwise an inept parent. When the pathological doesn't pay child support, nothing is done and the child is still sent to him. The thousands of dollars he conned out of you or stole from you is not returned. When alimony isn't paid, he gets away with it. Repeated visits to the courts do nothing to convince them, or to open their eyes to the true nature of his behaviors. Anything that is court ordered he defies and laughs at. You stand, mouth gapping and wondering, "Where is the justice? HOW does he get away with this?"
I have repeatedly said that the universe is strangely tilted to the benefit of the pathological. If ANYONE will get away with a con or a criminal act, it will be the pathological. The universal scales of justice are tilted in their favor and ironically, somehow influence the judicial scales of justice. In the 20 years of doing this work, I have seen them literally get away with murder, rape, embezzlement, breaking and entering, stalking, domestic violence, child abuse, and more. This ranks as the Eighth Wonder of the World—how pathological people can con their way out of the most vicious deeds and often never pay in any way for their behavior.
In these cases, women's hopes for justice are dashed and it negatively impacts their psychological healing. The scales of justice will never be balanced—she is not vindicated in the way that helps her to heal. Even if he is found guilty of something, he is rarely ever held to the standard of the law it's connected to. If he is supposed to pay a fine, he doesn't. If he is supposed to go to jail or prison, it's postponed or overturned. If custody is denied, he receives it by another judge. If he embezzled, it's forgiven in exchange for an admission of guilt.
Victim's rights and its connection to judicial and psychological justice will not get played out often in pathological relationships. The psychological justice that the victim is counting on in order to validate her—her moment in which the conscience of this country believes her-- doesn't happen. Since we understand that psychological justice is what is most likely to help victim's heal, now what?
Sternly, I tell victims of pathological relationships that they sometimes must recover without justice. We are not discussing 'what is fair', because the pathological has already skirted the issue of 'fairness.' He doesn't live with the concept of fairness and the law doesn't use it as a concept with him. If you desire to recover, heal and move forward with your life, it will require that you might just have to recover without judicial justice, without victim restitution, and without the conscience of this country validating your story.
You have to recover without a second of judicial support. Women who hinge recovery on judicial justice, waiting for her day in court or 'when he gets what's coming to him', will never recover. The universe is tilted in his favor and your own recovery must be a daring adventure in the face of a lack of victim's rights. Sometimes the only personal justice is recovering and living a great life. What he had done to you doesn't define you, hold you down, or stop you from succeeding in your own spiritual outlook.
In the end, the only thing you really have control over is how you choose to see your situation. If you see it as a victim and are unable to move past that view, you won't recover. If you see it as horrible things that happened to you but don't define or restrain you, you will move forward—with or without justice.
The unfair situation is what you have lived through and the ‘aftermath’ of the effects of the pathological relationship. In the face of this grossly dehumanizing experience is the indomitable ability to recover that can guide you not only to survive, but also to thrive in the face of great pain. I have every confidence you can heal, even without justice. Let us know if we can help you do that.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Remembering Our Roots
Joyce’s Brown’s Influence on The Pathological Love Relationship Recovery Process
This weekend marked the 4th death anniversary of an extraordinary visionary. Many of The Institute’s highly acclaimed purposes, products, and processes came from what Joyce lived through, talked about, and role modeled for others.
Joyce, like other leaders, did not set out to do anything extraordinary. She simply set out to heal after two back-to-back pathological relationships. First a 25 year relationship with a narcissist and then an upgrade to a sociopath for 10 years left Joyce in the typical emotional fetal position that is common of the aftermath of pathological relationships.
She went through the normal stages of pathology recovery asking,
“What just happened?”
“Did I do that?’
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Why am I so obsessed with this?”
“What’s wrong with me? Why am I attracted to men like that and what does it say about my life that I would end up in a relationship like that?”
Without the benefit of mental health therapy and with only the support of a few close friends (who were quickly becoming weary of the ongoing saga of ‘why’ her, why him, why he moved on quickly, and why he picked the new woman), Joyce managed to piece together not only a recovery, but some profound insights that changed the quality of her life forever.
By then, at age 60, it would have been easy to say she would not likely find love, or heal. It would have been even easier to get bitter, get revenge, get hyper focused on him and his latest antics, or get in a fetal position and stay there.
But remarkably, Joyce rose from the dirt she had been ground down into. Like the symbol of the Rising Phoenix she not only rose, she dug out every particle of dirt that could be transformed from crusted pain and milled it for life changing insight.
She didn’t keep these golden gems to herself—she talked to women about relationships wherever she was. Some of her approaches have trickled down to help other therapists work with women leaving pathological relationships.
Joyce believed women tended to drift sideways into pathological relationships looking for fun and excitement which actually pointed at what that woman needed in her life that would prevent her from taking just any old relationship.
“If you aren’t living a big enough life that is as big as your heart, or as big as your personality, or as big as your dreams, then any old psychopath will do.”
She poignantly asked herself “What is or is not going on in my own life that I would end up with a sociopath? Sure I didn’t know he was one, he said all the right things…but what could this possibly be pointing out to me about me, the condition of my own life, and what needs to happen so I don’t choose like this again?”
16 years later she had answered her own question:
In her 60’s she went to college for the first time, became a short term missionary, she started her life in the arts of painting, sculpting, and pottery, she moved to a one room beach house so she could ‘make up for lost time and play hard,’ drove a convertible Miata to feel the rush of adrenaline she no longer had because the sociopath was gone. In her 70’s she took up belly dancing to prove to herself she was still attractive, went to Paris to see handsome men so she knew she could still flirt, and got a motorcycle so she always had something hot to ride (!)—hey, I’m just quoting Joyce here. She became a hospital Chaplin to comfort the sick and fed the poor every week to give some of that hyper empathy away least it go to another psychopath. She sailed a Catamaran to the Bahamas to challenge her fear because she could not swim.
“A relationship is the icing on the cake. It is NOT the cake. Don’t confuse the necessity of living life to be the icing. Living life IS the cake. Anything else, including relationships, is just the icing.”
The Institute’s own Jennifer Young who does phone coaching and our tele-support group had this to say about Joyce’s impact on her and the women she helps, “Joyce Brown carries a big impact on my work with women. On her own she developed the innate ability to care for herself. That care translated into real solutions for disengagement from a pathological relationship. I believe the biggest, specific idea that has come from Joyce is the idea of ‘Not One More Minute”. I have shared this concept with many women who instantly feel the ability to disengage....not one more minute means I will not allow you to take one more minute of my energy, my love, my care, my compassion. It provides an end point...a point to say I'm done. This change in thinking, that I stop it, is crucial. It means that she has come to know and understand that he will not change, but I still can...and I will. So thanks to Joyce Brown for showing us the way to the end!”
At her death at age 76, she laid in a hospice bed only hours from death. I told her I wanted to toast her life. She said “Crank this bed up!” She fluffed her hair and with a glass of Jack Daniels in her hand, she said “I have had a great life. I lived, I learned how to have a great life, and I was loved. Who could ask for more?”
Her life lived well is what has impacted thousands of women worldwide and is the main thing women come away with who attended our retreats. Sadly, in this day and age, living a great life seems to be an extraordinary accomplishment. Her lecture on ‘Get a Great Life’ is what has spurred women on to not merely limp into recovery dragging their soul behind them. But to burst into recovery and fill their lives to the rim with all the things that her big personality needs in order to live fully. Lifeless living is what caused many women to seek the psychopath so full of energy that it seemed exciting and vibrant. Joyce said, “The problem is pointing to the solution. I loved the energy of those men! But what was that energy and why couldn’t I have it another way? Was a psychopath the only way for me to feel life?”
Joyce learned that vibrancy comes from a life that is full of the things that interest, motivate, support, and challenge HER. If she wasn’t living a big enough, interesting enough, motivational enough, supported enough, and challenged enough life….she would drift again into the arms of pathology to fill that space.
Feel how big YOU are and fill your own life with a great life!
From one of our readers, she wrote on Joyce’s Facebook Memorial:
“Thank you, dear lady, for your continued inspiration - a legacy you've left to many you never knew but who have come to love you for your feistiness, tenacity, grit and that wonderful sense of humor!”
To celebrate Joyce Brown during her death anniversary and the month of DV Awareness Month, we are giving you our MP3 down load called ‘Get a Great Life’ inspired from Joyce’s story for only $5! (Normally a $12 value).
To hear a sample clip from the audio, click HERE
OR to purchase for $5, click HERE
Get a great life and stop the cycle of pathology!
This weekend marked the 4th death anniversary of an extraordinary visionary. Many of The Institute’s highly acclaimed purposes, products, and processes came from what Joyce lived through, talked about, and role modeled for others.
Joyce, like other leaders, did not set out to do anything extraordinary. She simply set out to heal after two back-to-back pathological relationships. First a 25 year relationship with a narcissist and then an upgrade to a sociopath for 10 years left Joyce in the typical emotional fetal position that is common of the aftermath of pathological relationships.
She went through the normal stages of pathology recovery asking,
“What just happened?”
“Did I do that?’
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Why am I so obsessed with this?”
“What’s wrong with me? Why am I attracted to men like that and what does it say about my life that I would end up in a relationship like that?”
Without the benefit of mental health therapy and with only the support of a few close friends (who were quickly becoming weary of the ongoing saga of ‘why’ her, why him, why he moved on quickly, and why he picked the new woman), Joyce managed to piece together not only a recovery, but some profound insights that changed the quality of her life forever.
By then, at age 60, it would have been easy to say she would not likely find love, or heal. It would have been even easier to get bitter, get revenge, get hyper focused on him and his latest antics, or get in a fetal position and stay there.
But remarkably, Joyce rose from the dirt she had been ground down into. Like the symbol of the Rising Phoenix she not only rose, she dug out every particle of dirt that could be transformed from crusted pain and milled it for life changing insight.
She didn’t keep these golden gems to herself—she talked to women about relationships wherever she was. Some of her approaches have trickled down to help other therapists work with women leaving pathological relationships.
Joyce believed women tended to drift sideways into pathological relationships looking for fun and excitement which actually pointed at what that woman needed in her life that would prevent her from taking just any old relationship.
“If you aren’t living a big enough life that is as big as your heart, or as big as your personality, or as big as your dreams, then any old psychopath will do.”
She poignantly asked herself “What is or is not going on in my own life that I would end up with a sociopath? Sure I didn’t know he was one, he said all the right things…but what could this possibly be pointing out to me about me, the condition of my own life, and what needs to happen so I don’t choose like this again?”
16 years later she had answered her own question:
In her 60’s she went to college for the first time, became a short term missionary, she started her life in the arts of painting, sculpting, and pottery, she moved to a one room beach house so she could ‘make up for lost time and play hard,’ drove a convertible Miata to feel the rush of adrenaline she no longer had because the sociopath was gone. In her 70’s she took up belly dancing to prove to herself she was still attractive, went to Paris to see handsome men so she knew she could still flirt, and got a motorcycle so she always had something hot to ride (!)—hey, I’m just quoting Joyce here. She became a hospital Chaplin to comfort the sick and fed the poor every week to give some of that hyper empathy away least it go to another psychopath. She sailed a Catamaran to the Bahamas to challenge her fear because she could not swim.
“A relationship is the icing on the cake. It is NOT the cake. Don’t confuse the necessity of living life to be the icing. Living life IS the cake. Anything else, including relationships, is just the icing.”
The Institute’s own Jennifer Young who does phone coaching and our tele-support group had this to say about Joyce’s impact on her and the women she helps, “Joyce Brown carries a big impact on my work with women. On her own she developed the innate ability to care for herself. That care translated into real solutions for disengagement from a pathological relationship. I believe the biggest, specific idea that has come from Joyce is the idea of ‘Not One More Minute”. I have shared this concept with many women who instantly feel the ability to disengage....not one more minute means I will not allow you to take one more minute of my energy, my love, my care, my compassion. It provides an end point...a point to say I'm done. This change in thinking, that I stop it, is crucial. It means that she has come to know and understand that he will not change, but I still can...and I will. So thanks to Joyce Brown for showing us the way to the end!”
At her death at age 76, she laid in a hospice bed only hours from death. I told her I wanted to toast her life. She said “Crank this bed up!” She fluffed her hair and with a glass of Jack Daniels in her hand, she said “I have had a great life. I lived, I learned how to have a great life, and I was loved. Who could ask for more?”
Her life lived well is what has impacted thousands of women worldwide and is the main thing women come away with who attended our retreats. Sadly, in this day and age, living a great life seems to be an extraordinary accomplishment. Her lecture on ‘Get a Great Life’ is what has spurred women on to not merely limp into recovery dragging their soul behind them. But to burst into recovery and fill their lives to the rim with all the things that her big personality needs in order to live fully. Lifeless living is what caused many women to seek the psychopath so full of energy that it seemed exciting and vibrant. Joyce said, “The problem is pointing to the solution. I loved the energy of those men! But what was that energy and why couldn’t I have it another way? Was a psychopath the only way for me to feel life?”
Joyce learned that vibrancy comes from a life that is full of the things that interest, motivate, support, and challenge HER. If she wasn’t living a big enough, interesting enough, motivational enough, supported enough, and challenged enough life….she would drift again into the arms of pathology to fill that space.
Feel how big YOU are and fill your own life with a great life!
From one of our readers, she wrote on Joyce’s Facebook Memorial:
“Thank you, dear lady, for your continued inspiration - a legacy you've left to many you never knew but who have come to love you for your feistiness, tenacity, grit and that wonderful sense of humor!”
To celebrate Joyce Brown during her death anniversary and the month of DV Awareness Month, we are giving you our MP3 down load called ‘Get a Great Life’ inspired from Joyce’s story for only $5! (Normally a $12 value).
To hear a sample clip from the audio, click HERE
OR to purchase for $5, click HERE
Get a great life and stop the cycle of pathology!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)